


A Thousand Silhouettes Dancing On My Chest

by ThisFragileGame



Series: Chronicles of A Victor [1]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2017-12-31 05:53:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisFragileGame/pseuds/ThisFragileGame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“They never tell you it feels like that Peeta. They never tell you that victors never really win the games. The ones who win are the ones who die.”</p><p>Katniss Everdeen wins the 74th Hunger Games and is forced to mentor Peeta Mellark two years later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PART ONE - Peeta

**Author's Note:**

> This idea hit me the other night. Not sure if anyone's done it but anyway, this is my take. It will most likely be divided into three parts.

 

Peeta Mellark is only five years old when he sees Katniss Everdeen for the first time.

She skips down the path on the arm of her father, wearing this pretty red dress, her dark haired piled into two neat braids that trail down her back. When they reach the gate, she kisses his cheek and he hugs her tightly, smiling fondly at her. He’s wearing a faded shirt and pale, washed out overalls – the uniform of a coal miner.

Peeta watches them rather enviously. His mother dropped him off at the front of the school an hour early because she said she had to get back to the bakery. She didn’t kiss him goodbye and wish him well for his first day of school. His older brothers didn’t hang around either, heading to their classes that started earlier.

He takes a seat behind her when class starts and his blonde neighbour Delly Cartwright sits on one side of him. Another boy who lives on street, Brax Heatherton, sits on the other. When their teacher asks who knows the ‘valley song’, Katniss's hand shoots right up into the air. She stands without hesitation, smoothing out the creases of her dress before she opens her mouth and begins to sing.

The whole class falls into silence. Twenty five year olds who never quiet, who never tire and none of them say a word the entire time Katniss sings.

Peeta Mellark is only five years old when he falls in love with Katniss Everdeen.

* * *

She’s so thin.

He stares at her through the sheets of rain that fall, and he can’t stop seeing the hollow of her cheeks or how threadbare her clothes are or how even when on the precipice of death, she still looks steady and somehow defiant. She's just bones and skin swimming in a ratty top and pants, collapsed against the bank of the tree like she has lost all strength in her legs.

Her eyes, half-closed, wearily lift to him.

He becomes frozen under her gaze, consumed with the terrible thought that Katniss Everdeen is going to die.

Inside he hears his mother angrily calling him. Her voice snaps him out of his trance and he turns his back on Katniss, every part of him shaking.

The warmth of the bakery immediately envelops him when he steps back inside and the sugary sweet scent that fills the air is comforting, but still does nothing to cure how ill he suddenly feels.

His mother scowls at him. “You’re dripping everywhere."

Peeta blinks, drying off quickly before heading back to his post at the wood ovens. He can only imagine what will happen if he doesn't concentrate and burns another tray.

"Keep an eye on it Peeta. I mean it."

He nods absentmindedly but his focus is elsewhere. Outside, on a girl whose ribs are clearly visible.

 _So thin_. The bread starts to brown. He should take it out. He should definitely take it out now before it burns and his mother scolds him or worse.

But he doesn't. He just watches it, willing it to blacken. He's being stupid. She's going to kill him but he can't let Katniss Everdeen die. _No no no._  “Peeta?”

_Don't answer her. Don't answer._

"Peeta, what are you doing?"

His mother pushes him away, wildly pulling open the oven doors. A thick cloud of steam comes bellowing it and Peeta steps back, feeling rather numb as his mother grabs the tray of half blackened bread out. She swears loudly, slamming the tray down on the kitchen counter and Peeta warily backs away, his eyes trained on the floor.

Her hand comes down so fast he barely has time to prepare himself for the blow.

"Feed it to the pigs," she spits at him as he picks himself up. "Useless boy."

Clutching the bread scorches his fingertips but he walks back out into the rain. Sure enough, she's still there, clutching her stomach like she might throw up but there probably isn't anything for her to throw up in the first place. Breathing deeply, he throws the bread away.

But instead of the bread finding its way into the pigs pen, it lands squarely in front of Katniss Everdeen.

She looks at him a moment, unmoving, unsure and he just nods once, before turning around and heading back inside, his face throbbing.

His mother has disappeared and he takes advantage of this by heading to the store front where his father is.

"Peeta," he says warmly, though his kind expression falters when he sees the red mark swelling on his youngest's cheek. "You alright?"

He mumbles something unintelligible and then says in a timid voice, "Would you let me marry someone if they weren't like us Dad? If they were....from the Seam?"

Mr Mellark smiles knowingly. "If you love someone, I don't think it matters." He wipes his hands on his apron. “You know, I was engaged to another woman once.”

“Really?" Though he can't understand for the life of him what made his sweet and gentle father marry a witch like his mother, it almost doesn't seem right that he could have ended up with someone else. "What happened?”

“She fell in love with another man. This coal miner from the Seam.”

“She left you for a coal miner?" says Peeta. "Why?”

Mr Mellark sighs. “Because when he opened his mouth to sing, even the birds fell quiet.”

In Peeta’s mind, he sees Katniss on their first day of school in her red dress with her two braids and the man dressed in his coal miner uniform next to her. He remembers the exact day when the man stopped walking Katniss and her little sister to school. It was the day Katniss stopped smiling. The day her hand stopped shooting up in class.

Gathering his hands into his lap, he asks, “Do you think anyone could ever love me?”

Mr Mellark wraps an arm around his twelve year old son. “I think any girl would be lucky to have a wonderful boy like you Peeta.”

* * *

She’s always with him. That big, brawny Seam boy with grey eyes and olive skin like her. They almost look identical, standing closely together, their heads almost touching. Anyone who didn’t know better might think them related, perhaps brother and sister or cousins.

But Peeta knows better. He sees the way that the Hawthorne boy stares at her, even if she doesn’t.

It’s been years since he threw her the bread, years of hoping she might come and thank him, come and talk to him, get to know him.

It seems though like the only person she wants to get to know is handsome Gale.

He’s been angry too many times since that fateful moment in the rain. Angry at himself for not going out into the rain to actually give the bread to her; her for ignoring him; again at himself for not being brave enough to talk to her any day since then.

But when she suddenly looks up and sees him watching them, and the grey of her eyes holds the blue in his, he’s suddenly transported back to the day when she opened her mouth and sang.

It’s only for a second and then she and Gale are heading towards The Hob.

Only a second.

Damn, he’s a goner all over again.

* * *

  
The name on Effie Trinket's lips sends a little blonde, braided little girl slowly up to the stage, her quaking hands tucking the back of her dress in.

By the time Peeta's eyes find Katniss in the crowd, she has already pushed several girls aside - who sob and hold each other because they’re safe for another year – in a bid to follow Prim.

And then she’s yelling, and peacekeepers are trying to restrain her and Peeta almost makes himself run out after her until her voice rings out.

"I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute."

Peeta's heart splits apart in his chest.

Up on stage, Effie Trinket’s face registers surprise, even under the thick layers of makeup she wears. But she quickly composes herself, beckoning Katniss up onto the stage. Gale breaks out from the crowd to grab the screaming Prim and throw her over his shoulder. He delivers her back to Mrs Everdeen who takes her youngest daughter firmly into her arms.

Gale is making his way back to his own spot in the crowd when his own name is called. He stands in shock, in the middle of the aisle, like he hadn't even considered he would be picked. Peeta is sure his name is in there plenty of times; he's seen Gale taking tesserae more than a few times.

But the way he looks now....

Moments later, Effie Trinket presents District 12’s tributes. Katniss Everdeen stares straight ahead, impassive, emotionless but there’s something in her eyes that nearly breaks Peeta.

At her side, Gale Hawthorne simply stares at her.

* * *

He wants to say goodbye to her. There are twenty four of them. One of them is her best friend. Who knows what he will do? Is he selfless enough to sacrifice himself for her?

But his attempts are rendered futile when his mother tells him to head home and heat the ovens up.  He wants to yell at her and scream at her - because doesn't she know how important Katniss is to him - but he just nods, his chest tight.

He doesn't expect his father to come into his room when everyone else is asleep that night and whisper, “I visited Katniss.”

Peeta sits up, blinking. "You did?"

“We’re going to take care of Ms Everdeen and her other daughter while Katniss is gone. We’re not going to let them starve, do you understand me?”

Peeta nods. He has never seen his father so determined, so steadfast. But secretly he wonders how on earth they're going to help them. The Mellarks may live comfortably but they certainly aren't rich. And even then, his mother will never let them offer their own money to others, especially Seam trash.

Of course, his father is much more cunning than he gives him credit for.

Mr Mellark purposely sends Peeta on errands, claiming he is making home deliveries, which he is really. He deposits carefully wrapped loaves of bread on the Everdeen’s doorstep once a week until Prim catches him on her way to school one morning.

"I knew it was you," she says, her hands on her hips. "Why are you doing this?"

“My father promised your sister we wouldn't let you starve," says Peeta, staring at his shoes. He doesn't know why he feels intimidated by a twelve year old but there is something in the way she looks at him, the way she speaks that reminds him of an adult. "We just wanna help."

Prim purses her lips. "You're Peeta Mellark right? You're in Katniss's year at school?" He nods. "Do you know her well?"

Not as well as he wants to. "Sort of."

After that, he doesn't hide when he makes his deliveries. He even occasionally sneaks in a treat for Prim. He tells Delly what he's doing, because she knows all about his love for Katniss Everdeen and she graciously offers some old dresses she outgrew long ago. Even though Peeta knows they will be far too big on Prim, he thanks her anyway and delivers them the next night.

He leaves a pair of his old slacks and a pair of warm woollen socks on the Hawthorne’s doorstep along with a half burnt loaf of bread three weeks after the reaping. He might be committed to keeping the Everdeens' alive but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about what happens to Gale’s family either.

Besides, he feels like it's what Katniss would want him to do.

* * *

The 74th Hunger Games ends with Katniss Everdeen shooting Gale Hawthorne in the heart with her bow and arrow.

Fittingly appropriate considering only moments earlier he told her he loved her.

One of them had to win. One of them had to go home.

They had stared at each other for several moments, frozen, like animals caught in traps. Gale tells her he loves her. That he’s always loved her but his family comes first and he will never forgive himself. It’s becomes quite clear on what he will never forgive himself for when lifts his own bow at the same time Katniss lifts hers.

She’s faster though.

Gale dies quickly at her feet and the cannon booms and just like that, it’s all over.

Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire, is crowned the winner of the 74th Hunger Games.

Katniss, the Seam girl from District 12, crumples to the ground and shudders so hard she looks like she might break apart.

* * *

She’s not the same.

Maybe other people can’t see it but he can. As she stands on the platform at the train station in front of the District 12 public, she barely smiles. When her mother and sister rush towards her and envelope her, she stands in their grasp rather unresponsive until one of her hands eventually tightens around Prim’s shoulder.

When the bell above the bakery door opens later that afternoon, he doesn’t expect it to be Katniss of all people entering.

She’s dressed in some fancy knit sweater and black slacks and lace up, knee high boots, carrying a brown sack. It’s funny how he’s dreamed of this moment his entire life, of a chance to talk to Katniss Everdeen properly but it’s all wrong. The way she walks, the way she’s dressed, the look on her face – it’s like that arena stole all the best bits of her.

“Hi,” he says nervously, fiddling with the string on his apron.

“Prim told me what you and your father did.” She drops the sack on the counter and Peeta is gobsmacked when he sees that it’s brimming with gold coins.

“I didn’t do it for money,” he says quickly, not wanting her to get the wrong impression. He wonders if now is the time to tell her how he feels. Maybe if he explains how much he cares for her, she’ll definitely believe that he didn’t keep her family alive, hoping that if she came back she would reward him.

But it just doesn’t feel right.

She just stares at him, unflinchingly hard, and he thinks for a moment that if he looks hard enough back, he’ll see Gale Hawthorne’s ghost in her eyes.

Then she turns around and exits the bakery and he doesn’t see her for another year.

* * *

She comes back just before the 75th Games.

He’s spent two hundred and ninety days thinking about her, and how she’s doing and what she’s doing in The Capitol and wondering why she never visits her sister or mother. He doesn’t hear much, though he does ask Prim about her when she pops into the bakery. The Everdeens’ can afford things now that Katniss is a victor, and Prim loves to treat herself to one of Peeta’s special frosted cookies every once and a while.

Prim is standing at the counter one morning, examining the row of baked goods when she says casually, “She’s coming back tomorrow.”

Peeta’s heart quickens. “Really?”

Prim nods and it's almost like she's trying to stop herself from getting too excited. “She’s mentoring the games this year with Haymitch and they have to be here for the reaping. We’re picking her up from the train station at twelve.”

He can hear in her voice how much she misses her big sister, though he knows that they talk frequently on the phone. It’ll be the first time Prim has seen her since Katniss moved to The Capitol to perform official victor duties, whatever that means. He may not understand how Katniss can't come out here more often and visit Prim. After all, Haymitch is allowed to stay in the Victors Village nearly all year round, only being dragged out of the filth of his living room once a year to perform his mentor duties.

But he knows there must be a reason for it so he doesn't question it, for fear of upsetting Prim.

He sees her around town, walking with Prim through the square. Prim tugs excitedly on her hand, bouncing up and down on her toes and Katniss smiles back at her but Peeta can tell it's strained. He wants to go up and talk to her, tell her that he didn't keep the money she left him. Not all of it anyway. He pocketed a small amount and gave the rest to Hazelle Hawthorne. She told him she couldn't accept it but when he wouldn't take it back, she threw her arms around him and simply thanked him. He knows that Katniss has things sent to them as well as her family, even if they are reluctant to take things from her now after everything that happened.

He's making his way home from a delivery late that night when he sees her again. At least he thinks it's her.

Peeta squints. Definitely her, with a dark braid falling between her shoulder blades. She’s standing at the entrance of the mines, something silver and glinting hanging loosely in her left hand.

It’s only when he gets closer and she lifts the object to her wrists, pressing it against skin, that he realises it's a knife.

“Katniss?”

She freezes but doesn’t turn around. Her whole body heaves with her breathes but the weapon clutched tightly in her palm does not waver.

Peeta takes a hesitant step forward. “Katniss, please, just, I think you should put it down okay?"

"He was my father," she says, her voice rough. "He was something and then he went into the mines and there was an explosion and all of a sudden he was nothing. Just dust." She laughs, almost hysterically, in a way that makes him think she might be crying. "I want to be nothing. I want to be dust." 

Fear clenches Peeta's stomach. She's not going to do it, she's not going to hurt herself, is she? Not here, not in front of him, he won't let her.

"You can't leave Prim, Katniss."

The knife drops to the concrete with a clatter and before he can say anything else, she races off into the night.

* * *

The next time he sees her is at his last reaping.

She sits on the stage next to Haymitch and Mayor Undersee as Effie approaches the microphone. She looks pale and skinny, dressed in a dark green dress that falls at her knees. She should be well fed, he thinks, she lives in the Capitol.

He wonders if she has thought at all about that night at the mines. He wonders if another knife has made its way across her wrists.

But all thought of Katniss Everdeen flies from his mind when Effie clears her throat. This moment is about him after all. His last reaping. This is it. He’ll finally be free after this. Finally.

As usual, the girl is drawn first. It’s the daughter of the butcher, fourteen year old Macy Wiggins. From their limited interactions, Peeta has always found her rather annoying and overly talkative. But she is startlingly quiet as she makes her way to the stage. In the crowd, her mother weeps into her husband's shirt.

And then it's the boys turn.

Effie Trinket says a name but Peeta doesn't quite register it. It's like everything has gone completely quiet.

Then he realises everyone is staring at him.

Him. Peeta Mellark. Effie Trinket read out his name.

Peeta finds himself in a trance as he ascends the steps up to the stage. Everything happens quickly.

Being presented along side Macy.

Ushered back to the rooms.

His parents coming to say goodbye.

His father throws his arms around him. "Oh son. I'm so...." He just hugs his son tighter.

His mother curtly presses a kiss on Peeta's forehead. It's the most amount of affection he's ever had and it comes now, when he's about to be sent to his probable death. There are a million horrible things he could say to her but he says none of them.

His brothers stand around him, simply lost for words. "You're going to miss my kid being born," says Will, and Peeta squeezes his eyes shut.

And then it's over, and his family's gone, and he's being bundled onto a train with unfamiliar yet familiar people who he's watched from afar all his life.

“You’re the baker’s kid, right?” slurs Haymitch, obviously unaware right now that he and Peeta have indeed met before. “You want a drink boy?” He waves the bottle in Peeta’s face. “It might be your last.”

“That’s enough Haymitch,” says Effie, sounding highly affronted. She turns to Peeta kindly. “You should get some rest dear, tomorrow’s going to be a big, big day!”

Peeta exits the carriage, entirely aware that Katniss’s eyes never leave him.

* * *

Effie bursts into his room at a time where it should be criminal to wake people, throwing open the curtains to let the sunlight in. He sits up, covering his eyes and kicking off his covers. "Time to go Peeta. Have to get you prepped for the parade tonight."

Ugh. The parade. He can only imagine what kind of awful outfit he's going to be shoved into.

It turns out to be a black jumpsuit that is so tight he wonders if he'll be able to have children if he lives through this. The cuffs are red, and they shimmer as he moves, making it look like fire dancing on his wrists. Then two thin lines of coal soot are drawn under his blue eyes, making him almost look deranged.

He feels utterly ridiculous. But he doesn't say anything, because Portia looks so happy and he supposes it does make him look menacing, even if he is about as menacing as a baby.

Katniss is standing by his chariot when he heads down there and he wishes he was anywhere else.

“You look good,” she says quietly, eyes looking him up and down. She's wearing a dark burgundy dress, her dark hair falling in perfect waves by her cheeks. No one should look that beautiful, he thinks, it's simply unfair, especially when he looks like a flaymboyant, yet psychotic coal miner.

"Thanks." He runs a hand through his slicked back hair. "I'm worried that it doesn't exactly flatter me," he jokes.

A corner of Katniss's mouth curls up. "It's a little snug in places."

Haymitch chooses that moment to make an appearance. He groans at the sight of Peeta, dramatically throwing his hands over his eyes. "God boy, much more of you than I ever wanted to see."

Peeta blushes. They leave him alone next to the chariot, ushered away by Effie, so he surveys the rest of his competitors. He's one of the oldest, along with the brutish looking girl from Four and massive skyscraper of a boy from One.

“Nice outfit,” says a voice.

“You too.” The District Four boy beside him is wearing a pair of tight sea blue swimming trunks that reveal far more than Peeta's leather outfit. On top is a gold singlet that highlights a very skinny body. He can't be much older than sixteen, Peeta thinks.

“I’m Wren Plano,” he says. “Nice to meet you.”

"Nice to meet you too." Peeta lowers his voice slightly. "Your partner is a bit intimidating."

“She scares me,” admits Wren. “She could probably kill me just by sitting on me.”

Peeta chokes on his laughter and Wren thumps him once on the back, smiling.

“So how is it working with Katniss Everdeen?” he asks. Peeta looks up ahead and sees Katniss conversing with a muscular, bronze haired man. It takes him a moment to realise that she's talking to Wren's mentor, Finnick Odair.

"Interesting," he finally answers.

"She's hot," says Wren.

Peeta wants to disagree with him. Katniss Everdeen is not _hot,_ she is breathtakingly beautiful both inside and outside.

But then Katniss looks at him, her grey eyes practically smouldering under her makeup, and he has to admit that Wren has a very, very good point.

He shrugs, heading towards his chariot where Macy is impatiently tapping her foot, waiting for him. “Come on, parade is starting.”

* * *

That night, when everyone is asleep, Peeta heads up to the roof. He's been waiting for a chance to admire the view and now seems as good as time as any.

He isn't expecting someone else to be up there.

“Hey," he says, and she looks up startled. "Mind if I join you?”

She deliberates for a moment before shaking her head. He plonks himself down opposite her, folding his legs.

“I never said thank you," she says. “For helping my family and what you did at the mines…”

“It’s okay,” he says quickly, sensing that it's an issue she doesn't really want to talk about. “I meant what I said though. I didn’t do it for the money. I gave most of it to the Hawthornes' anyway.”

Katniss flinches at the name and Peeta instantly regrets bringing it up. He has no idea what it must be like to have to constantly live with the fact of having killed your best friend.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –“

“How’s my little sister been Peeta?” she asks suddenly. “I never see her much and she was so tall at the reaping…”

“She’s good Katniss. She’s getting good marks at school. She likes to buy the cookies I frost at the bakery. I started making her these special ones with chocolate chunks in them and writing her name in pink frosting on top.” He stops at that moment, because he’s pretty sure Katniss is going to cry. Then he says, “I think she might have a little crush on Rory.”

“Gale’s little brother?” she says in a whisper. “God, she’s growing up.” She presses a fist against her mouth and then asks in a muffled voice, “How are they? His family?”

He has kept a close eye on the Hawthorne kids especially during his time at school. It's strange how attached to them all he has become, even if they don't really know him. But he's spent two years sending them old clothes of his and his brothers' and giving them money and they seem like an extended part of him. “They’re fine. Posy started school last year I think. Every time I hear something about Vick, he’s getting some school award or something. The kid’s a genius. Rory’s fifteen now, seems to change every month. He’s pretty tall, good looking boy, a lot like….” He stops once again but Katniss seems to know where he’s going and her jaw clenches.

“Madge Undersee just got engaged to Brax Heatherton,” he blurts. It's first thing he thinks of in his desperation to change the subject but it seems to do the trick.

Katniss arches an eyebrow, mildly intrigued. “Really? I didn’t even know they were dating.”

“It started right after you got reaped.” And then he continues to tell her all sorts of other trivial nonsense about what she’s missed, like how his older brother Rye got caught by his girlfriend taking a Seam girl to the slag heap and she went right off at him. How his other brother got a girl pregnant and Mr Mellark had to beg him to marry the girl before Mrs Mellark found out. How the parents of his friend Delly tried to set her and Peeta up and she told them that he was like her brother and she’d rather eat the snow blackened by coal dust than kiss Peeta. He tells her how he found an extremely drunk Haymitch in their pig pe one morning, several of the little piglets nibbling on his toes and had to pull him out before his mother found them.

And then something miraculous happens.

Katniss smiles.

Peeta stares at her, in complete admiration of the way her lips curl up. He wants her to smile all the time.

“You should get some sleep," she says. "Training starts tomorrow.”

“Right,” he says. “Training.”

“You’ll be okay Peeta. Just listen to what the instructor says, take in what you can.”

He nods. "Goodnight Katniss."

"Night Peeta."

* * *

The first day of training is spent mostly just experiencing every station. Wren tags along as Peeta tries out every activity, and Peeta finds he doesn't mind. Wren is something of an excitable puppy dog but he's better company than most. The two head for the less popular posts, like learning how to light fires, make snares, tying knots and examining the array of poisonous plants and foods that they might find in the arena.

Even though he hasn't exerted himself much physically, he's mentally exhausted. After he's showered, he heads to his room, a towel wrapped around his waist, with the intention of collapsing face first into his bed.

He clutches hard at his towel when he finds Katniss sitting on his mattress.

She looks up, and he can tell she's more than surprised to see him standing there half-naked, even if it is his room.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. She's staring at his still wet chest and he's feeling rather self conscious.

She finally blinks. “I’m your mentor now. Haymitch and I swapped.”

His hands clench at the edge of the towel. This would be a such a bad time for it to fall off. “Not that I’m complaining or anything but why?”

“Honestly……” Her mouth twitches into a small smile. “Macy Wiggins was really getting on my nerves.”

Peeta laughs. "Well Macy's misfortune is my good luck I guess."

* * *

Katniss tells him to hide his major strengths from the other competitors and save it for his private session with the gamemakers. He does as she asks but it seems like the careers go with no such tactic, preferring to openly display their ruthlessness. When he recounts this to Katniss, she simply smiles and says, "The careers have the same plan every year - intimidation."

Peeta thinks back to the way he saw the boy from Two throwing his spear. "When you can do what they can, it's not a bad plan."

Sleep starts to elude Peeta. The closer it gets to the games, the more anxious he gets. He heads into the kitchen one night for a glass of water and jumps when he sees Katniss at the counter.

“Hey." She turns. "I didn’t think anyone was awake.”

“I can’t sleep," she says. "Never sleep.”

"I feel a bit like that too lately," he says. "Hard to be alone sometimes."

"Well you could....." Katniss bites her bottom lip, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her top. "You could come lie next to me?"

Peeta nearly chokes on his water. "What?"

"It's better when there's someone next to me. When I'm alone, the nightmares seem too real."

When he still doesn't move, Katniss takes him by the hand and wordlessly leads him to her bed. He's convinced as he lies down next to her that this is some sort of a dream but everything is the same when he wakes up the next morning and no matter how many times he pinches himself, nothing changes. He doesn't plan on going across the hall the next night but she grabs his hand again and who is he to argue?

During the days, he notices a definite change in her. She's warmer, more talkative. Maybe it's just because she's finally feels like she can be comfortable around him. He tries to convince himself that it's just platonic, that she can't possibly like him but he can't convince himself that his feelings for her don't grow with every second. That he doesn't fall in love with her every time he looks at her.

After three nights spent beside her, he asks, “Did you love Gale?”

Peeta winces as soon as the words leave his lips. He has this innate need to know her inside and out but honestly, this was one of the worst questions he could have asked her.

Surprisingly though, she doesn't kick him out of her bed like he expects her to. “He was my best friend. Nothing more. Sometimes I don’t even believe he loved me. It took us less than a minute after Cato got dragged off by the mutts to turn on each other. Maybe we were both too selfish to really love each other.”

“I don’t think it’s selfish to want to live Katniss, to want to get back home to your family.”

She runs her fingertips down his arms. “Then why does it feel like it?”

* * *

Peeta can't believe that no one has realised he is never in his bed at night. Maybe they don't care that much. Either way, he's become pretty good at tiptoeing back across the hall, back to the suite and up the staircase to his room. He's sure no one has ever noticed him sneak in, completely positive he's in the clear until he sits down at breakfast with Haymitch.

“Peeta,” says Haymitch, and he sounds much more serious than Peeta’s ever heard him. Perhaps he's mildly sober this morning. “You should be careful with Katniss.”

Peeta blushes bright red. “What do you – nothing’s going on Haymitch.”

Haymitch shrugs, spreading a thick layer of jam on his toast. “Okay then. I just hope you know that there isn’t a happy ending for you two.”

But what if there was? What if by some miracle he won? He could come back to The Capitol and Katniss might grow to love him the way he loves her. They’d all eat it up, he’s sure. The romantic tale of the mentor and her tribute fell in love after knowing each other back in District 12. He’s so lost in the idea that he barely notices Katniss entering the carriage until Haymitch raises his glass to her.

“Now,” he says, addressing Peeta, “since sweetheart over here took over your training, I don’t really know what’s been going on with you but I can hope she gave you some good advice for your private session tomorrow.”

“As good as you gave me,” mutters Katniss, her hand brushing Peeta’s thigh as she takes a seat next to him. He wonders if it was just an accident or a deliberate touch, her way of just saying good morning. He has noticed over the last few days though that she does like to touch him a lot; just tiny little grazes over his shoulder blades or the press of a fingertip on his knuckles. It’s almost like she touches him just to remind herself that he’s real and next to her, not just a figment of her nightmares.

Haymitch grins a toothy, yellow smile. “I told her to stay alive. Turns out it was good advice after all.”

Macy comes in after that, looking extremely tired, her black hair tied in a messy bun. She sits next to Haymitch, her nose screwed up, presumably at the smell. Most times they pretend they don't smell it but it is rather amusing watching Macy try to deal with him.

"What about you?" Peeta asks politely. "Have you and Haymitch worked out a strategy for your private session?"

Macy just throws him a dark look, getting up from her seat to grab the pitcher of warm milk.

Haymitch leans across the table, smirking. "Our lesson last night didn't go so well. I may have puked on her dress."

Peeta splutters, nearly spitting out his croissant and Katniss smiles. Underneath the table, she takes his hand.

* * *

Peeta's private session seems to go well. At least he thinks it does. He throws some weights around and swings one of the large knives through a couple of training dummies. Admittedly, he is rather clumsy wielding it but he gets enough force on his strikes that the arms of the dummies fall right off. He feels rather satisfied when he's done, certain he has done all he can and heads back to level 12.

They gather in the living room the next night to hear everyone's scores. The monster of a boy from One gets a ten. No one is that surprised.

The other careers have similar high scores. The thuggish girl from Four gets an eight. Wren gets a seven. Peeta is pleased for him.

The rest of the scores are typically mid-range, nothing to rave about.

When Macy gets given a five, everyone’s shoulders seem to sink. Effie bites her bottom lip and Haymitch sighs, muttering under his breath, “Useless.”

“And finally," says Caesar Flickerman, "Peeta Mellark with a nine.”

Effie squeals and Portia and Cinna hug him. Haymitch smiles smugly from where he is slumped on the couch, and Macy just looks utterly defeated. Peeta can't help but smile until he realises some one is missing.

“Where’s Katniss?”

Cinna, in the middle of having his cup filled with champagne by Portia, spins around to answer Peeta’s question. “I don’t know. She did say earlier she had an errand to run, maybe she’s back by now.”

He checks her room upstairs first but she's not there. She and Haymitch have private apartments across the hall that they sometimes stay at, and though he can't think of a reason she would rather be alone in her room than celebrate with them, he heads across the hall anyway. He knows he probably shouldn’t be this eager to see her and talk to her but who cares?

He knocks a couple of times on her door but she doesn't answer. Cinna did say she went out, she might just not be be back yet. Out of curiosity though, he does try the door handle and is surprised when it swings open. Her apartment is small but stylish - only the best for victors. He can hear her voice somewhere in another room and follows it. It leads him to her slightly ajar bedroom door.

Peeta stops in his tracks. She’s not alone.

With her is a man who looks at least forty, with the thinnest sheet of black hair covering his head and a round stomach that strains against the buttons of his shirt. She’s wearing an embarrassingly see through nightgown that barely reaches the middle of her thighs, and her hair is unravelled around her shoulders, out of its usual braid. She has him pushed up against the wall and she’s talking in a voice he’s never heard from her before – low and seductive. One of her hands trails up the man’s chest as she says, “My my, Mr Wesser, it has been a while.”

“Too long,” he says, and she leans in, as if to kiss him.

That’s when he can’t stand it any longer. “Katniss?”

Her eyes widen as she takes him in. She’s quick to dart across the floor, hastily pushing him out of the room and towards her front door. When they're out of earshot of her male companion, Peeta twists around and grabs her forearm tightly.

“What are you doing?” he asks, trying not to tear his eyes away from her face.

“You need to leave,” she hisses, giving him another shove until they’re at the door. “Now Peeta.”

But Peeta is adamant. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

“In the morning,” she says desperately. “Please, you have to leave.”

The tone of her voice finally gets him out the door. But he stands there staring at it for a very long time.

* * *

Katniss sits across from him the next morning, choosing to sit next to the reeking of alcohol Haymitch instead of him. Haymitch raises his eyebrows at her but doesn't say a word.

The three of them are rather silent over the course of the meal but Macy is more than happy to recount her adventures at training for Effie. The sound of Macy's voice irritates Peeta much more than usual.

As soon as she's finished picking at her toast, Katniss rises sharply to her feet, exiting the carriage and Peeta is quick to follow her, determined not to let her get away so easily.

She sighs when she realises he's behind her. “I haven’t forgotten,” he says.

“You should,” she replies curtly. “It’s dangerous."

“Dangerous?" he says exasperatedly. "What were you doing with that guy Katniss? Don’t try and tell me he was your boyfriend or something, he was twice your age! If anything, it looked like you were…” He trails off and the horror of his unspoken words hits him.

Katniss is silent but her expression is as unemotional as it was when she stood on that stage all those years ago next to Gale Hawthorne, preparing to enter the Games.

“Why? Why would you do this Katniss?" he asks and he's filled with this possessive, irrational rage that doesn't really make sense, because despite all of his fantasies, Katniss isn't his and she probably never will be. It's out of this rage that he then questions, "Do you really need more money that badly?”

Katniss blinks. Her grey eyes widen slightly and all that can be heard for a moment is their harsh breathing, mingling with each other.

Then, like lightning, she whisks her hand right across his face. The force of her hit rattles a memory loose in his brain, the one of his mother hitting him for burning the bread he wanted to give to Katniss and he quickly stuffs it back to where it remains.

“You don’t know anything about me Peeta," she says with a snarl.

He realises as she slams her door shut that that might be true.

* * *

She doesn't make an appearance at breakfast the next morning. Peeta is too sick to eat. His head is occupied with thoughts of Katniss and phantom men, touching her, kissing her until he can't stand it. He drops his napkin and abruptly excuses himself from the table. As he stalks off, he hears Effie berate him about manners but doesn't care. 

He knocks on her door for several minutes before she finally answers. "I'm sorry," he says immediately. "I am, please believe me."

"It's okay Peeta. You didn't know."

"But I want to know. Just tell me what's going on."

She pauses, before moving aside to let him in. He sits on her couch and she sits opposite him, folding her legs underneath herself. "I don't do.... _that_ because I want to. There are some things that a victor just has to do. When you win, you become a valuable commodity. People want to spend time with you." She swallows thickly. "Snow takes advantage of that."

Peeta bites the inside of his mouth. "He _sells_ you?"

When Katniss doesn't answer him, he stands and clenches his fists and he wants so badly to punch something or throw up or do both, just something, anything so he doesn't feel so useless.

She grabs at his arm, forcing him to look at her. "Peeta, you can't do anything for me. You can't save me so focus on yourself. You're going into the arena in a week. I'll get you sponsors, I'll do whatever you want...."

He sucks in a deep breath. "If I win, will I end up like you?"

Katniss pulls her bottom lip into her mouth. "Peeta -"

He pulls out of her grasp, ignoring the hurt in her eyes. "I need to go."

 

                            ****

Peeta stays in bed for the rest of the day, drifting in and out of sleep. When he wakes the next morning, Katniss's small, warm body is pressed against his back. She must feel him stir because she clutches at him tightly, whispering into his shoulder, "I'm sorry Peeta. I don't want you to die but I don't want this life for you. You're too good. You deserve better than this."

"What about what I want?" he asks her. "What if I want you?"

Katniss doesn't answer, just burying her face deeper into his shirt.

* * *

The next few days, neither of them bring it up again. Katniss pushes him harder in training, even though the physical portion is technically supposed to be over. She manages to get the two of them back into the training centre and she uses the foam bats to torment him, ferociously swatting at him in order to increase his hand to hand combat skills. She uses one of the bows and makes him dodge her arrows, weaving and ducking until he's exhausted. She's brutal, unrelenting and he's partially thankful for it because she's only pushing him to better him. He won't survive if he can't tough it out.

Every night, she disappears after dinner, reappearing hours later and creeping into his dark room to wrap herself around his prone form. He pretends he's already sleep when in reality he is never able to sleep until she comes back. He pretends he doesn't know where she's been or that despite showering, she still smells like another man's cologne.

He pretends he doesn't notice how hard she shudders against him, like she's trying to hold in the sobs bubbling in her chest.

He just pretends. It's all he can do.

* * *

Haymitch agrees with Katniss that Peeta should be his charming, self-deprecating, self during his interview. He should be doe-eyed and sweet but not a weakling. He should joke with Caesar, sweetalk the audience but not come off as cocky or arrogant. He got a high enough score to intrigue sponsors, meaning he shouldn't have to try too hard.

It's a fine line to cross but Peeta manages to toe it remarkably well.

"You did fabulous darling," says Effie, hugging him as soon he heads backstage. "Just fabulous."

Katniss smiles palely at him and he wants so badly to run to her and wrap her in his arms and not care who sees.

But he restrains himself.

He's thankful though, that by the time he showers and changes into a singlet and pyjama pants, she's already curled up under his quilt. He's not sure he would make it through tonight if he didn't have her here.

Peeta smiles at her. "Hey."

She pats the spot next to her and he quickly climbs in. She rubs their knees together. "You okay?" she asks.

"Think so," he answers. "I know what to expect. I watched the tapes, I've heard the stories and yet I still have no idea what it's going to feel like when I get in that arena."  

Katniss presses her forehead against his chest. “The first person I killed was this girl from Nine. She’d been following me and Gale ever since we had run from the cornucopia. I don’t think she wanted to kill us, not yet at least. She just wanted to see where we were going, if we could find water or a place to hide. But when I realised where she was, I turned around and put an arrow in her neck. She was dead within seconds.”

She closes her eyes and Peeta’s hand reaches across the space between them to clasp hers. They’re silent for a very long time. Their hands remain joined, her feet resting on his calves.

“What’s it like?” he whispers. “To kill someone?”

Katniss stares at a spot on the mattress. “Overwhelming,” she says eventually. “It’ll take you over if you let it but after a while, you have to shut it off. You shut it off and you pretend it doesn’t hurt, you pretend you’re not drowning.”

Then she tilts her head up, and her eyes crash into his. “They never tell you it feels like that Peeta. They never tell you that victors never really win the games. The ones who win are the ones who die.”


	2. PART TWO - Katniss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is focused primarily on Katniss, so you'll get to learn a bit of her history and her life in the Capitol and a bit of her background with Peeta. 
> 
> WARNING: There's a reason why this story is rated M, and there are a lot of mentions of topics in this chapter that might make people uncomfortable so just be wary when reading.

**PART TWO**

 

Katniss wakes the next morning before Peeta does. His arms are wrapped tightly around her, and she can’t move an inch, not that she seems to mind much though.

She sighs, placing a hand on his chest to feel the beats of his heart. She knows how incredibly foolish she is being, getting so attached to him. Haymitch was right. It’s better not to, better to keep a distance, so it doesn’t hurt as much when they’re gone.

But she can’t pull away from him, no matter how hard she tries. He’s kind and good, much better than she ever could be. He looked after her sister, and Gale’s family. He kept them alive when she couldn’t. He kept _her_ alive.

She thinks about that moment at the mines all the time.

It had been a year since her own games. She had been working for Snow for at least ten months. After her first little incident only five months before, Johanna had made her swear not to do anything stupid again.

But Johanna wasn't with her this time. She was back in Twelve and she didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to go back to the Capitol with those strange people. She wanted to sleep in the same house as her sister and hunt. Every time she thought she could handle it, someone left whip marks on the backs of her legs and she felt herself break.

So she went to the mines, the last place her father had belonged and she wanted to die there too, be with him. It wasn’t like her to take what she thought was the easy way out but she was so sure she couldn’t take it anymore.

Then he was there, his voice ringing out in the darkness like a beacon. And he had reminded her of Prim, and Katniss had realised that she couldn’t be selfish, that if she tried anything, Snow would hurt them. Even if she does think about it all the time, she doesn’t like remembering one of her darkest moments.

Peeta rouses from sleep when she kisses his temple. He smiles sleepily at her. “I could get used to this,” he says, and then the content expression on both of their faces vanishes in an instant, as his words sink in. There will be no more mornings like this. This is it. He is going into the arena today.

“Peeta….” She runs a hand down the side of his face and he sighs into her touch, holding her palm against him.

“It’s okay,” he says in a weary voice. “You don’t have to tell me not to be scared or that it’s going to be fine. You don’t have to lie to me.”

But she wants to. She wants to tell him that this isn’t where his story ends. That he’s going to get more chapters and she’s going to be a part of them.

In the end though, she doesn’t say anything.

Peeta’s bedroom door opens and Katniss’s head rockets up – she curses not bringing him to her private apartment across the hall and instead snuggling into his sheets because they smelled like him – seeing not Effie as she expected but Haymitch instead.

He staggers into the room, appearing drunk already at ten in the morning; this day is always worse for Haymitch, sending children off to the slaughter. His eyes widen when he sees Katniss in Peeta’s bed. “Everdeen,” he says with a groan. “Is this really appropriate?”

Katniss ignores him, untangling herself from Peeta and the covers. Peeta sits up slowly in bed, rubbing his eyes. “At least you’re both clothed,” Haymitch mutters. “Come on Peeta. You need to eat, get ready.”

Except that's the last thing he wants to do. Katniss has to practically force feed him. She butters his toasts and pushes a cup of steaming hot chocolate into her hands and doesn’t let him leave the table before he finishes. She was the exact same way before she went into the games but she knows it will be a while before he eats and she doesn’t want him to starve.

When the time comes for them all to say goodbye, Katniss stands back, her heart fluttering. Effie hugs both Macy and Peeta and courteously wishes them well. Haymitch claps a hand on Peeta’s shoulder and mutters something to Macy, who turns on her heel and leaves, without waiting for Katniss’s mumbled goodbye; it seems she hasn’t forgiven her for sticking her with Haymitch. Haymitch subtly convinces Effie to leave, to allow Peeta and Katniss a more private goodbye.

Katniss envelopes him in his arms as soon as they leave and he buries his head in the crook of her neck. She doesn't want to forget how right it feels to have him in her arms. It took so long after the games for her to even bear being touched but everything seems so natural with him.

When he pulls back slightly to look at her, he breathes in deeply. “Katniss, there’s something I have to say. I –“

“Don’t.”

He blinks. “What?”

“I know what you’re going to say but don’t say it,” she pleads. “Please don’t because I won't be able to stand it if you say it and you don’t come out.”

For a minute, it looks like he'll argue but instead, Peeta leans in and softly presses their lips together. He’s the first one to ever kiss her like this, the first person to kiss her not wanting her body but wanting her heart instead. She wants to hold this moment in her hands, keep it forever but it’s over far too quick. Her stomach is filled with oddest kind of warmth that makes her want to keep kissing him and hold onto him. She hasn’t felt this ever, not with any of the men who force their mouths harshly against hers or with Gale, when he kissed her unexpectedly the night before they entered the arena, whispering that he had to do that just once.

That was the first and last time the two of them kissed.

“Been dreaming about that since I was five," he mumbles against her cheek.

She finally releases him. “Go.”

* * *

Haymitch and Katniss gather alone to watch the start of the games and she's rather glad, because she's sure she wouldn't be able to handle Effie.

The countdown finishes, and Peeta steps off the plate, darting towards Wren only a few feet away; Peeta had told her last night that he and Wren had agreed to an alliance prior to the games and she didn't have the heart to tell him that it worse when you were in an alliance, that he might have to face the probability of killing Wren himself.

A few feet away, Macy, who has stepped off her mine, stands still. She gazes straight ahead, looking extremely overawed. She takes only three tentative steps before she's bludgeoned with a mace. She's the first kill.

Haymitch sighs. Despite the fact that neither of them liked her, they aren't glad she's dead. 

Katniss spares a second of grief for her before her eyes flit to Peeta. She told him not to get sucked into the bloodbath at the cornucopia and run away as fast as he could to shelter, the same thing Haymitch told her.

Except he completely disobeys her orders, pausing, deliberating. "Come on, Peeta, don’t do it,” she mutters. But he does. He runs quickly towards the mouth of the cornucopia, trying to simply blend in but it doesn't work. The girl from Two already has an axe in her hands and eyes him up as he approaches. He dives and the girl's axe misses him by an inch. He knocks her back into the ground and her head hits one of the weapon containers hard But Katniss can tell she's still alive, only woozy. He quickly scrambles off of her, flinging one of the backpacks over his shoulder and grabbing one of the knives for good measure.

Then they're far away enough now and no one's taking chase. They're safe and Peeta has the gall to smile sideways at Wren as they disappear into the jungle, like he hasn't just scared Katniss beyond belief.

Katniss scrunches herself up into a ball, jamming her fists into her eye sockets to stop her from crying. “Damn you Peeta.”

Next to her Haymitch sighs. “Oh sweetheart. You’ve gone and fallen in love with a tribute.”

* * *

The next morning, Katniss wakes to Haymitch leaning over her, blowing his alcohol breath on her face. She blinks the sleep out of her eyes; it must be at least six o'clock, why is he waking her so early?

Unless....

"Peeta?" she croaks.

Haymitch shakes his head. "He's fine at the moment. But you're not. Snow wants to see you." He pulls away. "It ain't good kid."

 _It ain't good._ Katniss dresses quickly, pulling her hair into a braid and stuffing a piece of dry toast into her heavy stomach. Haymitch offers to come with her but Katniss politely declines. She can sense that there's something he wants to say to her but he doesn't in the end, just awkwardly patting her shoulder.

She is made to wait less than a minute outside his office before being brought in to see him.

"You wanted to see me President Snow?"

"Yes, come in Miss Everdeen," he says. He's dressed in a dark burgundy suit, a white rose pinned to his lapel. Katniss doesn't meet his eyes. "I just wanted to talk with you regarding some rumours that have been floating around."

Katniss's heart leaps into her throat. "Rumours?"

"Regarding your relationship with a tribute. Apparently before he went into the games, he was seen exiting your private apartment in the early morning and entering at night."

She doesn't say anything.

"It's funny, I also remember hearing that he spent a lot of time with your sister Prim in District Twelve. He was also seen being overly helpful to Gale Hawthorne's family as well. Such a generous boy he is."

She doesn't think she'll ever be able to find words again.

Snow waves a hand airily at her. "It's alright Katniss. Relax. Everyone in Twelve is safe. I did promise you that."

"And Peeta?" she says finally, her voice breaking.

His thin, snake-like lips split into a smile. "We'll see. You can go now. I just wanted to touch base with you, make sure we're both on the same page."

She stands, swallowing thickly, her heart jackhammering into her ribs so hard her chest hurts.

"I'm not an unreasonable man Miss Everdeen," he calls out when her hand is on the door handle. "After all, I spared your family. I keep both them and the Hawthornes' alive and well off than most and I only asked for your service until your thirtieth birthday."

Katniss nods her head, and doesn't let her fists shake until she has closed the door behind her. Sometimes that day seems too far away.

* * *

Haymitch and Katniss work overtime to get Peeta sponsors. They're lucky that he got such a high training score and has proven himself to be more than adept in the arena. Soon they have gathered together a reasonable pool of money and even though Katniss's natural inclination is to send him food right now, she knows it's not a smart idea. It's better to wait, just in case something happens.

Katniss spends most of her time watching the screens in the The Capitol plaza as they show many different views instead of just the one that most viewers in the districts get. But when she can't see Peeta, she finds herself dredging up whatever memories she has of Peeta in Twelve just in case they grow too fuzzy in her mind. Even though there aren't many, it makes the few she has even more precious.

She remembers seeing him sitting alone on their first day of school, looking sad, and wondering where his parents where.

She remembers him throwing her the bread when she was twelve.

She remembers defending him to those twisted Merchant girls who wanted to use him for sport.

A tiny smile tugs at her lips. She never told him that story. She might never get the chance to now.

***

It started when she was walking home from school one day. She was going to go home, get changed, meet Gale out in the woods when she saw a pair of pretty Merchant girls gossiping near the gate. She didn't plan on eavesdropping but when she heard his name, she stilled.

"Peeta is gorgeous," said one, "but I'm telling you, you have no chance. I don't think he's ever given any girl the time of day."

The blonde girl snorted. "I'll bet you five dollars I can get Peeta Mellark. I'll be the first one to bag the baker's son," she bragged.

Katniss's blood boiled. "Stay away from Peeta," she blurted

Both of them blinked in surprise, having completely ignored her presence near them like most people do. The blonde sneered at her. "Excuse me, did you say something Seam brat?"

Katniss moved so quickly none of the girls have time to back away. She pulled one of the girl's ponytails into her fist, twisting it between her fingers and pulling on it hard. The girl moaned in pain. "I mean it," Katniss spit. "Hurt Peeta and I'll make you regret it."

Her hand loosened a second later and the girls quickly ran. Later she did feel ashamed of her behaviour. But she couldn't help the protectiveness she felt over him, that she had felt ever since he had thrown her that bread three years earlier. It didn't occur to her at the time that this protectiveness over him could be attributed to romantic feelings of any sort. She just convinced herself she didn't want to see him hurt because he had saved her.

Neither of those girls ever spoke to Peeta Mellark again.

She is brought out of her reverie when Finnick approaches. “I’ve gotta hand it to you," he says, folding his arms across his chest. "Your boy’s impressive. Although I didn’t appreciate him gutting Kala.”

“She was standing on his neck,” replies Katniss coldly. The brutish District Four girl had managed to catch Peeta unawares, when he separated from Wren to find food, pinning him down. She was jamming one of her feet into his windpipe when he managed to get a hand free and slip the knife in his pocket out and slash her achilles. As she faltered, he got up and slashed her a few more times across the stomach for good measure before running off.

Kala dragged herself along the jungle floor for several metres before she died from blood loss.

“I probably shouldn’t say this but I hope he wins Katniss.”

“We shouldn’t wish winning on anybody,” she says softly, even if she can barely admit in the depths of her heart that she wants him to.

Finnick shrugs. “I suppose not. But if I weren’t alive, I wouldn’t have Annie waiting for me under the pier when I get to back to Four.”

He brushes her elbow with his fingers - a gesture she supposes means 'everything's going to be alright' - before turning away and charmingly kissing the hand of a pink haired woman who exclaims loudly how good it is to see him.

* * *

Katniss becomes so tense over the next few days that Haymitch finally gives up on being around her. When she snaps at him for spilling a drink on her while they watch the games, he claims he's had enough and they don't talk for a little while. She's sitting on the edge of the couch, watching the pack of Careers hunt for food, when she hears Johanna Mason's loud voice echoing through the suite. A boy from Two kills a bird with a carefully timed arrow and Katniss has to close her eyes because even though he looks nothing like him, he reminds her of Gale.

“Hey brainless," she greets. "I need to use your shower. Mine’s broken.” Katniss nods absentmindedly and Johanna’s eyes flicker to the television.

“How’s he doing?” Katniss hasn't exactly told Johanna much about Peeta, as much as she's told Finnick really. She doesn't know what Haymitch has been telling them but Johanna has always had this acute ability to read Katniss anyway.

“Fine,” says Katniss, and Johanna quickly realises from her tone that Katniss really, really doesn't want to talk about Peeta. 

So instead she says, “My idiot of a tribute got herself killed last night. Like seriously, who lights a fire in the middle of the games. You might as well put a target on your back and yell, 'Here I am, come and get me!’" She rolls her eyes. "Dumbass.”

She kicks off her shoes, shrugs out of her socks, shimmies out of her pants, leisurely undressing as she heads to the bathroom and dropping her items of clothing as she goes. Katniss learned long ago that Johanna Mason stripping in front of her is not a big deal. In fact, Johanna frequently walks around naked with very little care for who's around or watching.

It freaked Katniss out when Haymitch moved her in with Johanna when she was officially moved to The Capitol; Katniss still suspects Johanna took her in because Haymitch begged her to, and not 'out of the goodness of her heart' as she put it. Katniss thought maybe Haymitch had done it deliberately as a warning for her - if she didn't do what Snow did, she'd end up like Johanna. Bitter, alone, with most of her family dead. Her nephew, aunt and grandparents still survived and it was them she protected, just like Katniss protected her mother and Prim. Even if she pretended she didn't care, Johanna just couldn't let more people she loved die because of her.

In the beginning, Johanna was crass and rude and had little regard for Katniss's feelings. She was supposed to be showing her the ropes, easing her into the lifestyle but Johanna just said foul things during their lessons and their conversations usually ended up with Katniss storming into her room and slamming the door. It seemed during their first week living together, she deliberately went out of her way to make Katniss uncomfortable, thus how Katniss ended up not only seeing much more of Johanna than she ever wanted to see but also a full frontal view of Finnick Odair.

She had gotten up to go to the bathroom one night and encountered a very naked, sleepy looking man in their kitchen. She had yelled and thrown a vase at him, which thankfully missed. Finnick had hastily reached for the lights and once Katniss had realised who it was, she felt rather foolish. Johanna had run in to see what all the commotion was, then collapsed on the floor in laughter when she saw them. Finnick had then sauntered out from behind the counter, still not wearing a stitch of clothing and properly introduced himself, grinning at her with a mouth full of perfect teeth. He had a habit of crashing on their couch when he felt like it.

Until the night she forced him under her sheets and then he didn’t stay the night ever again.

When Johanna lifts her top up over her head, something strange catches Katniss's eyes and she tears her gaze away from the screen to properly look at her roommate. On Johanna's lower back is a purple patch of bruising, stretched over her skin.

“Jo, what happened?”

Johanna pauses in her bra and underwear, hands braced against the bathroom doorway. “Eli Thorne was feeling a little…..adventurous yesterday.” She doesn't look back at Katniss. “He asked about you.”

Then she closes the door, the shower starting almost immediately. A thirteen year old girl from Five is stabbed through the chest and Katniss sort of feels like she has been too.

* * *

Wren Plano loses his life on the twelfth day of the games. The Careers descend on him and Peeta, and the girl who tried to cut Peeta's head off at the corncucopia, sinks her axe in Wren's back, killing him almost instantly. Katniss has to admire Peeta for not simply turning his back on Wren; to his credit, he truly does attempt to save Wren, when it would be so easy to take off and run in the opposite direction.

He does run though, when he realises Wren is gone. Only the eighteen year old boy from One, Kaid Sampson, takes chase, telling the others to stay put.

Kaid is quick, and catches up to Peeta, throwing him to the ground. He's taller than Peeta, much taller and even though Peeta is fairly strong, Kaid looks like he could snap him in half. He slices through Peeta's leg with his sword and Katniss gasps. He strikes so deeply that it looks like he actually hits bone. The only good thing is that Peeta manages to stick his own knife in Kaid's chest in the process. Kaid staggers comically back, staring at the weapon sticking out of him in disbelief. He collapses to the ground, twitching. Peeta actually sports tears, clutching at his leg in pain. With his other good foot, he presses down on the hilt of the blade, ending Kaid once and for all.

Then he limps away as quickly as he can, whimpering in pain, before the other Careers take chase and realise Kaid is dead instead of Peeta.

By the time he finally collapses in this small, dank cave he finds hidden under an array of shrubbery, Katniss is out of her seat.

* * *

They don't have any money left. The money that she and Haymitch did gather has run dry; they used it to send food to Peeta as often as they could but being as generous as he was, he kept sharing it with Wren. But he needs medicine and he needs it now before he bleeds out or loses all function in his leg, and everything has gone up in price the longer the games have gone on.

Other than Snow, she knows only one man with enough money to buy what she needs.

"Miss Everdeen. What a pleasure to see you." He smiles widely when he sees her, welcoming her graciously in. Katniss begs herself not to turn around and run. "It's funny, I mentioned to Johanna just the other day how I missed your company. I trust though, that you have other reasons for showing up here."

She takes a seat on his black leather couch. "I'm sure you've been following the games closely as usual Eli."

"Of course. It's definitely an interesting batch this year. Your tribute in particular. Peeta, isn't it?" Katniss nods, and hopes her face doesn't give her away just how important all of this is to her. "He seems to be exceeding expectations, especially for someone from an outlier district. You worked closely with him, no?"

"Peeta is impressive. He recently eliminated one of his biggest threats, Kaid Sampson from District One who got an eleven from the gamemakers."

Eli takes a long sip of his glass of wine. "Yes I remember. I was disappointed to see him go. I'm good friends with his mentors Cashmere and Gloss after all."

Katniss knows. Eli Thorne likes to try out every female victor.

"You might also know he was gravely injured by Kaid. He needs medicine otherwise he'll die soon." She fixes Eli with her grey eyes. She's done this enough to know that she can lure most men under her spell just be looking at them. "I don't want that to happen."

Eli sighs. "That kind of medicine costs a lot of money Katniss."

"I know. And I hope you know I wouldn't ask unless it was important.

He leans closer, his breath hot against the side of her face. "I always have had a soft spot for you Katniss, you know that. You're different than the others. I may use Cashmere more often than not but you're the one I enjoy Katniss. I can be truly be myself with you, truly lose control with you." His fingers dance on her knee. "I'm sure we could work out an arrangement."

Katniss closes her eyes when his hand slides up her thigh. _Peeta peeta peeta peeta._

* * *

Katniss doesn’t know how long she sits in the shower for. It must be over an hour though when Johanna comes bursting in, seeing her rocking on the tiles, curled up in a ball.

“Jesus, Katniss.” She reaches in, shutting off the tap. Katniss grows cold almost instantly and her teeth are chattering by the time Johanna throws a large towel over her and lifts her up. “Haymitch was tearing his hair out about you. Where have you been? We called and called and you never…..” She trails off, peeking underneath the towel. On Katniss’s back, there are three, deep shiny red welts, reaching from her shoulder blades to her hips. The puddle of the water gathered in the shower has a red tint to it. “God, you went to Thorne, didn’t you?”

Katniss doesn’t answer. She feels numb, but it’s not nearly enough. The pain is starting to come back in waves and she feels so nauseous she could pass out. Johanna forces her into a dressing gown, dragging her into the living room.

The front door opens, and it's Finnick. “Katniss,” he says relieved, as Johanna basically drops her sagging body onto the couch. Then he gazes worriedly at Johanna. “Jo, is she alright?”

“Give her the morphling,” orders Johanna. "Now.”

Finnick retrieves the needle from his pocket. Katniss doesn’t even protest. She just whispers with what strength she has left. "Is he alive?"

Finnick nods sadly. She feels the tiny pinprick of pain in her arm as the needle slides in. “He got the medicine Katniss. You did good.”

 _Good._ Katniss closes her eyes and drifts into a place where bad men do not touch her and sweet Peeta presses his lips against hers instead.

* * *

When she wakes from the morphling, she finds that she is in bed. And not alone either. Haymitch is curled up on a chair in the corner, staring at her, his jaw clenched tight. His eyes are unnaturally focused.

“You have should have told me what you were doing,” he says gruffly when he sees her awake.

Katniss sits up slowly, and it is agony when the muscles in her back expand and contract. Someone has bandaged her up though while she was out. “You wouldn’t have let me go.”

Haymitch explodes, thumping a fist on the arm of his chair. “You’re damn right I wouldn’t have! What were you thinking, voluntarily going to Thorne for money? I could have helped you. We could have got more sponsors together.”

“He needed that medicine and he needed it right away," she says stubbornly. "It was the only way and you know it.”

Haymitch rakes his hands through his hair exasperatedly. “I know you want to save him Katniss, I get it, I really do but I'm not going to let you destroy yourself just to get him out of the arena." He sighs. "You're forbidden from talking to potential sponsors from now on."

"What?"

"You heard me. From now on, you have nothing to do with Peeta while he's in the arena, okay? You're a spectator and _that's all."_

"Haymitch -"

"No," he says firmly. "And that's final." He rubs his temples as he storms out of her room. "Damn I need a drink."

 

 

* * *

She doesn't think he's seriously going to follow through on his threat but he does. He completely shuts her out of her negotiations with sponsors and soon she's left locked in the suite with nothing to do except watch the games and wait for the next invitation to arrive at her door, telling her where her destination is.

She hates the games even more than usual because of this; during the year, she can get away with one appointment a week. During the games, she becomes much more valuable and everyone wants a piece of her, every day, every second. She often wonders when she'll run out of pieces to give them.

Tributes continue to fall but thankfully none of them are Peeta. His leg is mostly healed and everyday he gets stronger and stronger. Katniss is surprised the gamemakers don't unleash interfere more than they do, preferring instead to watch the tributes destroy themselves instead. Johanna's last tribute, a fifteen year old boy, drowns in a small bay of water after passing out from starvation.

Three days after Thorne, a little red envelope appears taped to her door and after reading it, Katniss crushes it in her fist. Before she leaves, she downs the two pills she asked Finnick for the other day and swallows them down with wine.

* * *

When she gets home, the relaxed, content feeling thrumming in her veins is wearing off. Fast. She checks the television quickly - Peeta is sleeping, as are most of the remaining tributes - and she could curl up on the couch and watch him, pretend she's with him.

But her head is too full and she needs to empty it. She needs a distraction, anything. She doesn't want to feel. So she heads into Haymitch's room, retrieving the bottles of white liquor he keeps under his mattress. He really needs to get better hiding spots.

Ten minutes later she's on level four, knocking on Finnick Odair's door.

“Finnnnick,” she squeals, bouncing on her toes when he opens the door. She throws her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. She smells of sweat and alcohol.

Finnick sighs, rubbing his face. Katniss has a habit of reverting back to a child when she gets drunk, making her very difficult to deal with. Her self-awareness drops dramatically, her moods swing wildly, her sentences run on and on. But the worst thing is the way she loses the ability to filter herself. Drunk Katniss is painfully honest, so much so that neither Johanna or Finnick or Haymitch cannot stand being around when she gets like this. She'll tell them what men do to her, what they ask her to do and it's sick and horrific the things she says.

None of them have any real idea why she gets it worse than all of them. After all, there's nothing overly spectacular about her physical appearance. She's small and skinny and she doesn't smile as much as she should.

Maybe it's because her persona is so adaptable. Cashmere is seductive and alluring, a sheer fantasy. Enobaria is vicious, relishes inflicting pain with the sharp, gold edged teeth in her mouth. Johanna is playful and mischievous, playing up her troublemaker side.

But Katniss......Katniss is anything. She's the girl next door; the one they could see themselves marrying one day;  the willing but defiant; the survivor; the strong one; the innocent. Maybe that's why she only attracts the most sadistic people.

Maybe that's why everyone enjoys breaking her so much; so she can fit them.

The last time Finnick found her drunk, she showed him the cigarette burns some charming young politician had left on the inside of her thighs because she had refused to be chained with handcuffs that literally bit into her skin.

The time before that, she told him in explicit detail how someone had bought her for the day and left her naked, lying on her stomach, tied to his bed posts for at least six hours, helping himself to her as he flew in and out of the apartment over the course of the day.

They try and keep alcohol away from her now - Haymitch had no problems sharing it with her in the beginning before they realised what it did to her - but when she's alone, and she can't stand it, she'll lose herself in a bottle. Or two. Or three.

She's wearing a red dress that reveals far too much of her legs and chest and her lipstick is smudged. Her dark hair is messy and knotted and most of her makeup has come off, revealing the purple shadows under her eyes. She flitters past him into his private apartment without another word and he closes the door. Better to keep her here than let her go wandering around alone.

He finds her in his bedroom, already sitting under his covers. "How much did you drink Katniss?"

She grins happily at him. "A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. I took those pills you gave me before I went to see him but they wore off too quickly and I was so sad afterwards and I didn't want to be sad so I drank."

"You shouldn't have done that," he tells her gently. He apprehensively approaches the bed. “Are you alright Katniss?” 

She shakes her head, her mouth twisting into a frown. “I was with a client and he made me do bad things and I didn’t like it Finnick. I didn’t like it at all." She makes a disgusted face. "He was pulling on my hair and I was on my knees and I washed my mouth five times and I can still taste him." 

Finnick cringes.  _Please Katniss, please I can't hear this._   “I’m sorry kid,” he says, sighing as he lies down beside her. “If it makes you feel any better, entertaining that old crone last night wasn't exactly a pleasant experience either."

She brings a hand to his forearm and he frowns at the way her fingers tiptoe up to his bicep. “Do you like me Finnick?” she asks curiously.

He smiles. Oh. She's just looking for reassurance. “Of course I like you Katniss. Why do you -"

Katniss swiftly pushes her body to his, cutting off his words,  kissing him so hard their teeth knock together. His hands are quick to pull her off of him, pushing her to the farthest side of the bed.

“What's wrong?" she asks as he holds her at bay, pushing her bottom lip out until she's pouting like a little girl. "Don't you want me? I know the first time wasn't exactly memorable but I'm a lot better now -"

"Katniss," he says strongly, clasping her wrists firmly. "You don't want me."

Her face changes, and she stops fighting him at once, squeezing her eyes shut. He's right of course but she's desperate right now for any affection with anyone who remotely cares for her, even if she'd rather be with a blonde haired, blue eyed boy.

She had never intended to sleep with Finnick when she first met him, standing naked in her kitchen. He was attractive, extremely attractive but he was also overly flirtatious and the string of women seen on his arm always made her feel ill, especially when Johanna told her that Finnick was actually in love with a girl back home; she felt sorry for him after that though Finnick never seemed to want her sympathies.

But when the time came for her to meet with her first client, she had begun to panic. By then, Johanna's hostile attitude around her had eased to bearable levels and over dinner one night, she casually suggested that Katniss try out Finnick if she was that nervous. Katniss had choked on her food and thrown Johanna a dark look. But as Johanna had asked her, would she rather give so many of her firsts to a complete stranger who would have no regard for her feelings or Finnick, who had almost become her friend in the five weeks that she had known him?

(She never really knew what went on between Johanna and Finnick but she suspected that Johanna had 'tried him out' more than a few times.)

Katniss hadn't seriously entertained the thought then but the night before she was due to meet Carrick Empler, she found Finnick dozing lightly on their couch and made up her mind.

He was confused at first at what happening but it became more clear when she clumsily mashed their lips together. He protested a little, trying to stop her as she attempted to steer them into her room. When she finally broke down, practically begging him, he couldn't say no. He tried to make her as comfortable as possible and she tried to act just like Johanna had said, switching her feelings off and focusing on him. She could tell that his heart wasn't really in it, that it was as hard for him as it was for her but they pushed through. He was patient and guiding. He corrected her when she did something wrong but he didn't make her feel like an idiot. He was soft, unbearably gentle, so much so she almost wished he _made_ her feel something except hollow.

Afterwards, Katniss lay perfectly still under the quilt, staring at the ceiling, willing herself not to cry.

Finnick hastily pulled his jeans up, pausing for only a moment in the semi-darkness to whisper, "Good luck tomorrow."

Then he had exited her room with the indents of Katniss's fingernails on his hips.

Back in the present, Finnick's hands slide off of her. "You want Peeta."

"Peeta," she repeats, as if testing the name out on her lips. "Haymitch said I'm in love with him. Do you think I'm in love with him Finnick?"

"Only you can answer that Katniss."

"He saved my life." She thinks of the bread and the mines. "More than once. He protected my family and Gale's, because he knew I cared about them. He knew who I was before all of this and he knows me now, and he likes both versions. I feel safe around him. I'm selfish enough to want him to win, even though I know what will happen if he does." She pauses. "He's the first person I've ever _wanted_ so badly it physically hurts me." 

Finnick chucks softly. "Sounds like love to me."

Katniss's mouth begins to expel what seems like every thought inside her head that she's been holding back. "He thinks I didn't notice him back in Twelve but I did. All the time. Lots of other girls talked about him and I hated it when they did and I even threatened this blonde bitch who tried to go near him. Ever since he threw me the bread, I felt like I had some sort of claim on him, like he belonged to me and I should have done something about it but I never did, maybe cause I was afraid of what Gale would think or facing him if he didn't want to talk to me. I never said anything and I wish I had."

By now, Finnick has no idea what she's talking about but knows it's probably best she just rests.

"You should go to sleep Katniss," he says. "You're going to feel like hell in the morning."

She takes his advice, quieting instantly. Finnick settles into bed, rolling onto his side, listening to the sound of Katniss's uneven breathing in a bid to fall asleep.

Then Katniss says, “I wish Peeta had been my first.”

Finnick leans over and kisses Katniss's forehead, smoothing back her tangled dark hair with one of his hands. “I wish he had been too.”

* * *

Katniss wakes the next morning with a wicked headache. When she opens her eyes, she realises she's not in her private apartment, even if it does seem familiar. On the bed stand beside her is Finnick's watch, and she realises that is where she must be. She doesn't remember much after getting back to her own place around ten last night.

"Morning sunshine." Katniss blinks. Johanna is sitting next to her, chomping loudly on a strip of bacon and grinning down at her.

Katniss frowns. The quilt is tucked up around her chin but when she cautiously reaches a hand under the covers, she realises she's not wearing a single item of clothing.

"Uh, did you undress me by any chance?"

"Actually, you did that yourself," says Finnick, appearing in the doorway with a mug in his hands and a packet of headache tablets. He gives it to Katniss who gratefully takes it. It smells awful and tastes just as bad but she knows it'll make her feel better so she drinks it. "You woke up around five and started stripping your clothes off and sobbing. I couldn't really understand what you were saying so I took away anything you could use as a weapon and locked you in here."

Katniss's face takes on a mild shade of red. Most of last night is unclear but she vaguely remembers taking off her dress and throwing it at Finnick.

"I got here an hour ago," Johanna pipes up. "I was tempted to jump your skinny bones but you're not my type Everdeen. You're lacking a crucial organ of the male anatomy."

Despite herself, Katniss laughs hoarsely. She's glad to have people like Johanna and Finnick and Haymitch, people who take care of her, even when she doesn't take care of herself. When she first met Johanna, she never thought that they would be as close as they are now. But there was a gentle, fiercely protective side of her that became slowly visible over time. When Katniss came back from a particularly rough client, Johanna would help her into bed and softly unravel her braid and tuck her in. Johanna was only three years older than her but she had basically taken over as Katniss's mother, albeit a vulgar, obnoxious mother.

"Can you please pass me my clothes?" asks Katniss.

Finnick throws her dress onto the bed from where it sits on the floor. Johanna holds up her bra and underwear by the tiniest corners, her nose screwed up. Katniss snatches them away from her.

"Some privacy?" she says pointedly.

Finnick quickly exits. Johanna however barely moves.

"I've already seen everything Everdeen," she says bluntly. "In fact so has Finnick."

Katniss sighs. "At least, look away or something."

Johanna relents, making a show of covering her eyes with her hands and Katniss climbs out from under the quilt. She's quick to pull her underwear back on and then her bra, stretching her tired, sore body out slowly. Then she sets about untangling her mess of hair with her fingers, attempting to work it into a braid.

"You really freaked him out you know," says Johanna casually. "How was last night?"

"Fine. Great."

"Your back looks better."

She knew Johanna wouldn't keep her eyes closed. "Hmm."

"Are those....bite marks?" asks Johanna, and her tone switches from conversational to territorial in a second.

Katniss's fingers tentatively sweep over the marks Perry Grallicki left between her shoulder blades with his teeth. She just makes a noise of affirmation.

"Everyone's worried about you," says Johanna after a minute, examining her cuticles.

"You guys don't need to worry about me."

"Except we do. You're our little Katniss," she says teasingly, laughing sharply. "If we're being honest, when I found you in the bathroom, I was sure it was going to be like...last time."

Katniss's hands freeze, meshed in her hair. 

Last time.

***

It was five months after she had started.

Finnick, with whom she had finally grown comfortable around again after their awkward encounter in her bed, slipped her a bottle of pills one night. "To help you relax. It'll make things easier."

She stared at the bottle, and a twisted idea started to form in her head. She was sure Finnick had no idea what she was thinking about using them for, or that every night since the first with Carrick Empler, Katniss had been thinking, dreaming even, of the sweet release of death.

She wanted it to be easy. She didn't want it to hurt. She'd been hurt enough.

Two weeks before her seventeenth birthday, Katniss called her sister. Prim sounded so excited to hear from her. She asked Katniss when she was coming back. Katniss lied and said she didn't know.

Then she called Haymitch. When he asked her why on earth she was calling him at such an hour (it was four in the afternoon), she said she simply wanted to check and make sure he hadn't choked on his own vomit. Haymitch asked her if something was wrong, like he could tell. She lied and said there wasn't.

An hour later, she was in her and Johanna's bathroom. Their bathtub was huge; wide and round and deep. She didn't want to be a coward but she felt like it, staring at the ceramic. She had survived extreme hunger and trackerjackers and killing her best friend amongst others but everything just kept piling up. There was never any relief, any moment where she could say she was glad she was alive.

Once she had filled it to the brim, she downed six of the pills and stepped into the scalding hot water. Her eyes closed almost immediately as she lay down, her form sinking under the water. Her natural inclination was to struggle but it felt like her muscles had dissolved. Everything went dark and for once, Katniss felt peaceful.

The next she remembered was being on the tiles, a towel thrown over her shaking cold body, Johanna pacing furiously above her. She was yelling at someone on the phone. "Finnick, I swear if you ever come back here again, I'm going to kill you. I mean it, I will rip your throat clean out of your body!" Then she hung up, swearing so loudly that her voice echoed in the bathroom, bouncing off the walls. She then practically threw the still wet Katniss over her shoulder and dumped up unceremoniously in bed. "Don't move."

Katniss didn't, her lungs aching. She just drifted in and out of sleep, awaking only when she heard Johanna and Haymitch yelling in the living room.

"You have to do something about this Haymitch, I am not her babysitter."

"No, you're her friend and she doesn't have a lot of them. Now, I'll make sure Snow doesn't find out about this but you have to make sure she doesn't do this again."

There was a pause. And then Johanna said, "You shouldn't have done this to me Haymitch. You shouldn't have made me care about her."

During the night, she woke up to see a tearful Finnick pulling hard at his hair, kneeling on the floor beside her. He cupped her hands between his large ones when she opened her eyes, probably having had snuck in while Johanna was asleep. "I'm so sorry Katniss, I shouldn't have - I shouldn't have given..." Then he buried his head in her sheets. "God, I miss Annie."

She just patted his head while he cried.

Johanna pulled Katniss forcefully into a hug that didn't really seem like a hug the next morning and told her to never do that again. She would not be responsible for another person dying.

Finnick didn't come by or talk to either of them for a while after that, probably scared that Johanna would actually make good on her promise. 

Katniss learned that she wasn't breathing when Johanna pulled her out of the bath and that for a few sweet seconds, she had been at peace.

***

Katniss's fingers eventually start moving again, finishing off her braid. She doesn't turn around but she does hear Johanna sigh and hop off Finnick's bed.

"Hurry up and we'll go get breakfast," she says, closing the door behind her.

She finishes the mug that Finnick brought her, swallowing the painkillers for her headache and slips the red dress back over her head. They'll definitely have to make a stop at her apartment upstairs so she can have a shower and get changed into something more respectable.

All of a sudden she can hear angry, strained voices. Arguing.

"What were you thinking, giving her those pills? Especially after last time."

"She asked me for them. What was I supposed to do, say no after what Thorne did to her? Johanna, they're killing her. She's not going to last another twelve years of this."

"Yes, she is," says Johanna, "I didn't pull her out of that damn bathtub last year for nothing."

Katniss silently pushes the door open.

"Mom, Dad?" she says warily. The heat emanating from Finnick and Johanna's face immediately drains when they see her. "Can you please stop fighting over me?"

Finnick visibly relaxes but his sea green eyes are still tense. He moves over to Katniss, flourishing his arms wildly. "Oh Katniss, whatever problems your mother and I have, you must remember we both love you dearly."

Johanna rolls her eyes, and heads towards the couch, Finnick following after her, annoyingly sticking his tongue out at her while she swats at him, their argument not forgotten but pushed away. Katniss heads to the bathroom, and is in the middle of washing her face when she hears Johanna call her. Immediately fearing the worst, she runs into the living room.

"What? What is it?"

Finnick leans over the back of the couch, gazing at her with an odd expression. "Tyler's dead, Katniss," he says. "Some animal chased him out of a tree. He fell and broke his neck."

Katniss looks between the two of them. "But that means...."

Johanna actually smiles. "It's just Peeta and Scarlet left. It won't be long now."

* * *

It takes two more days but the Seventy Sixth Hunger Games finally gets a victor.

Scarlet York of District Two heads to the cornucopia, an array of knives attached to her belt, the axe she used to kill Wren Plano in her hands, chased by the feral monkeys that forced Tyler out of the trees. Peeta comes flying out of the jungle a couple of seconds later but he doesn't move as fast as her. They swarm him and he swings the machete he stole off another tribute, killing the animal that lunges at him. Scarlet lunges at him, attempting to push him into the monkeys' grasp. Her face twists into a snarl as she tries to wrestle him away but he's stronger and smarter than her. He kicks her in the shin, and when she winces, slams a hand into her chest. One of the monkeys rips into her throat and Peeta takes the momentary distraction to climb to the roof of the cornucopia. It doesn't take long until the cannon booms.

"Ladies and gentlemen," says Claudius Templesmith, "I give you Peeta Mellark, the winner of the Seventy Sixth Hunger Games!"

Peeta looks up at the sky, his blue eyes hazy and unfocused, looking entirely lost. Just like she did when she won.

She crawls over to the screen, pressing a hand against the glass, wanting so badly to fall through, to bring him into her arms. It's over. He's coming back to her.

Behind her, she hears Finnick incredulously ask, "Are you....crying?"

She doesn't expect Finnick not to be addressing her.

Haymitch stands abruptly, the back of his hand brushing across his face to wipe away the wet track marks on his cheeks. "Shut up Finnick," he says, "or I'll neuter you."

 


	3. PART THREE - The Victors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for all the positive comments and kudos, it means a lot. I know I said it was going to be three parts and it was, until this part ended up just being ridiculously long, so I've had to chop it in two. Hopefully the final part will be up in the next week or so. Thanks!

**PART THREE**

 

He keeps saying her name.

They inject him with needles that ease the pain running through his body, stitch him up, stick tubes in him to help combat his dehydration and get all the necessary fluids into him. And he just lies there, letting them prod at him while he says her name. The muscles in his face are slack and his mouth doesn't work properly but he uses what strength he has to slur 'Katniss' anyway.

He keeps saying it, because maybe if he does, she'll hear him somehow.

"Put him under," says a distant voice, floating somewhere above him. "The kid's out of his mind."

Another needle slides under his skin and Peeta can only make noise until he surrenders to the darkness.

* * *

Johanna and Finnick stand over Peeta Mellark's motionless form. He seems a lot younger than he did on the television screen. They've scrubbed and polished his skin until he is practically glowing underneath his mop of wavy blonde hair. They've shaved the coarse hairs that had grown along his jaw, plucked and manicured his eyebrows a bit too much for Finnick's liking. They've made him look so pure, innocent, just like they did with Katniss - though he already does have the boyish features - instead of making he look like who he really is: a killer. Just like all of them.

"So this is Peeta Mellark," says Johanna, and Finnick can't tell by her tone whether she's impressed or indifferent; she does such a good job of hiding it in her voice. "He's a lot better looking when he's not bleeding to death or stabbing someone." She peers closer until her face is just inches away from Peeta's. "Just my type too. He screams nice."

"You'd eat him alive," mutters Finnick.

Johanna grins, nudging his shoulder with hers. "Oh, how you know me."

They watch Peeta's chest depress and inflate; even under a sheet, it's obvious he's a lot thinner than he was on day one of the games, his cheeks a little sharper, poking out from under his skin. "It would have been better for her you know," says Johanna and Finnick's not quite sure what she's talking about until she says, her voice pensive, "if he had died. One less person for Snow to blackmail her with."

"One less person for Snow to blackmail us all with," Finnick reminds her. "He's basically an extension of her now. We can't let anything happen to him."

Katniss would never forgive them if they did.

"Sometimes I wonder if we made the right decision sticking together, looking out for each other like we do," says Johanna quietly. "We just made ourselves more vulnerable."

Finnick privately agrees but then he thinks how much worse his life would have been if hadn't had Haymitch to take him under his wing when he was only sixteen. He wouldn't have been able to help Johanna or Katniss or had them help him get through moments without Annie that he never thought he would survive. "We wouldn't have made it without each other Jo."

She shrugs but there's a heaviness in her eyes that he pretends not see. "You're probably right. It's too late anyway. We're all screwed. Him included."

Finnick puts an arm around her, steering her from the room. They've probably creeped out on Peeta Mellark enough. "That's the spirit." 

* * *

The darkness is horrible. Every time he tries to make his way out, silhouettes appear, solidifying into solid beings. Kaid appears to drive his sword into Peeta's leg over and over again, and Peeta feels the metal hit bone, and the sheer force rattles him, sends reverberations up and down his body. More blinding pain and Peeta realises he's been struck from behind as well. Scarlet wraps an arm around his throat, pulling him back onto the axe she has wedged in his spine. Wren materialises in front of them all, and he cackles madly at Peeta struggling between Kaid and Scarlett.

Peeta wakes with his hand clenched around the junction between his knee and thigh, sweat dripping over his eyes. He gasps for breath, and it takes him a while to see Haymitch is standing next to him.

"Relax," he says, pushing Peeta back down in bed. "You lost a lot of nerve endings in your leg when Kaid cut through you. The medicine we sent you kept you alive but it couldn't heal the tissue or muscle destroyed. They nearly had to amputate it. As it is, you'll probably have a slight limp for the rest of your life."

Peeta falls back into bed, feeling rather numb. The room is so white it's almost blinding. "Where is she?" he rasps, his voice raw.

"Somewhere," Haymitch says cagily. "Right now, it's not a good idea for you to see her. People are watching, things are....tense."

Peeta frowns. "Tense?"

Haymitch pretends not to hear him, tucking his flask back inside his jacket. After a moment, he says, "She gave you the choice Peeta. She told you she could help you or let you die and you chose to try and live. You knew what was waiting out here."

Peeta's stomach flips but he tries to keep his face as stoic as possible. "I know that."

"I know. I'm just reminding you," he says. "Your prep team will be here in a minute to get you ready for the recap with Caesar." Then he leaves and Peeta is left with these words and the unpleasant thought that the games are not over for him and Katniss just yet. They are only beginning.

***

When he steps up onto the stage, the applause is thunderous, practically shaking the ground. He greets Caesar Flickerman with a smile, playing his part as he knows he must. Caesar congratulates him and after they catch up, they sit and watch the recap of the games.

It doesn't feel like him. It feels like an entirely different person together, like he's watching a movie. He watches the blonde, eighteen year old boy in the video cut Kala's Achilles and strike her several more times to make sure she cannot follow him, make sure she dies, before running off and leaving her there. The boy has a grimace on his face as he runs, and his regret is easily visible.

When the boy lowers his foot down onto the hilt of the knife sticking out of Kaid Sampson's chest, just to end him quicker, just to watch him die with his own eyes, the guilt becomes a little less noticeable. Amongst the pain that contorts his face, there is something else as he limps away. Vindication, like Kaid deserved to die.

And when he pushes Scarlet towards the monkeys, he scrambles up towards the cornucopia without a second glance down at her. As she dies, and the cannon sounds in his ears, the boy looks blank, lost. Almost relieved that she's gone.

Peeta watches all of these moments pass before him and it is so hard to reconcile with the fact that the boy is _him._

He finds himself in a strange sort of haze and soon everyone is applauding him again and he's on his feet as another figure ascends the stage.

President Snow.

In his hands is a crown, and with a smile, he places it lightly on Peeta's head.

No one else sees the look Snow gives him but Peeta.

The look that says, _I hope you know what you're in for._

Then Peeta is being escorted off the stage and he's limping slightly back to Haymitch, frazzled by the encounter with Snow and still confused at how the boy on the screen looked so much like him.

Haymitch takes him by the arm, muttering something about needing to take him somewhere and Peeta's head might as well not be on his shoulders because he barely pays attention until noticing he's much colder and everything around him is much darker. 

He blinks, looking around. "We're outside Haymitch."

Haymitch rolls his eyes. "Nicely deduced. Please tell me the arena didn't steal all of your brain cells." They finally stop walking, and it looks like they are in some alley - everything sort of smells like garbage - and Peeta can barely see his own surroundings. Haymitch gives him a light shove forward. "Don't say I never did anything for you boy," he mutters.

Peeta watches Haymitch leave, confused as to what exactly is going on until a small, dark haired figure flings itself at him.

"Peeta."

He closes his eyes, breathing her in. "Katniss." 

* * *

"I've been waiting for days to see you," she murmurs into his neck.

"Haymitch kept keeping us apart," he says with a slight smile. She's wearing a dress that looks like a sunset - all gold and muted orange and it's so amazingly wonderful to touch her, see her in the flesh again instead of just his mind. "He said things were tense, Katniss. What's going on?"

She pulls back, her eyes fearful. "Snow knows about us Peeta. He saw you sneaking in and out of my room, he knew about you helping Prim and Gale's family back in Twelve."

"What does this mean?" he whispers, his voice cracking. The only thing he thought about in the games was being reunited with Katniss. It was how he got through the days. Now he's back, and the horrors of being a victor are just hitting him. He's remembering how Katniss spends her nights, how little control she has over her life, how she never gets to go back to see her sister. 

"I don't know," she says, shaking her head, looking away from him. "I don't know. Snow will want to see you soon though. Peeta -"

"Hey," he says, gently tipping her chin up until their eyes lock again. Maybe if he can convince her he's not scared, he can convince himself too. "Don't you worry about me."

Katniss leans forward and kisses him softly and it's even better than the faint memory he took into the games. "Come on," she whispers. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."

 ***

She takes him back to the apartment she shares with Johanna and they collapse onto her bed, still holding each other, still afraid of letting each other go.

Peeta falls asleep quickly, Katniss preferring instead to feel the steady thud of his heart under the tips of her fingers. She's nearly asleep though, her head lightly resting on his chest when he starts to whimper.

She lifts her head, peeking a gaze up at his face. It's contorted in pain and she shakes him once in an attempt to wake him but he's too far away and she can't reach him anymore.

"Peeta," she says, shaking him harder.

He clutches at his leg, like he can still feel where Kaid cut him when he's lost enough nerves not to be able to feel anything at all. "Leave me alone," he pleads. "Leave me alone."

"S'okay," she murmurs, running a hand through his sweaty blonde locks, pushing them off his face. "You're okay."

His eyes blink open and his body relaxes at once, sinking back into the bed. His breathing is warm and heavy against her skin.

She almost wishes sometimes she still had nightmares about the games. But behind her eyelids hide much worse things. 

"I can feel them all around me Katniss," he whispers brokenly. "I think I see them but they're not really there. And not just the ones I killed, or even the tributes from my games. I see all of them Katniss. Hundreds and thousands of them. Their faces are blurry but their bodies...how do I get rid of them Katniss. How do I stop seeing them?"

"You look at me. You look at me and realise that I'm real and they're not. That's how I do it Peeta. Seeing you next to me, touching you..." She gently places her hand on his chest. "....reminds me that I'm here. You're the realest thing in my world."

So he does. He looks at her and she looks at him and he feels his heartbeat slow. "Right here," she tells him. "Real."

He nods to himself. "Real."

* * *

He wakes up without her, and it's already the afternoon.

It's hard registering her absence, especially after they've been torn away from each other enough. But she leaves him a little note folded neatly beside him, telling him she'll be back before he leaves for the interview tonight and he has to try and busy himself. Johanna's door is shut but Peeta is pretty sure she's gone too and he's just alone.

After he's made himself breakfast, he notices something piled up on their coffee table. 

It's a stack of trashy, tabloid magazines. He flicks through them and finds that most of them are filled with pictures of Katniss.

Katniss and Johanna Mason dancing, the two appearing mid-laugh like they've just heard the funniest joke in the world.

Katniss squeezed between two men, smiling with her eyes closed, as they each kiss a cheek of hers.

Finnick Odair's hand resting on the small of her back as he guides her into a car.

Katniss stumbling out of a club, her eyes glazed and a man who looks at least thirty following behind her, grinning directly at the camera.

He throws them all out of the window after that.

Portia and the prep team arrive to get him ready for the post games interview a little while later and they try to make small talk with them but he's not interested, and soon they leave him.

Katniss enters an hour after the team are gone, dressed as well, her dark hair styled into a series of intricate braids that wrap around a bun. She smiles when she sees him and he wants to tell her beautiful she looks but it's like someone has locked his throat up and locked away the key.

She wordlessly makes her way over to him, still smiling faintly as she ties the bow tie hanging loosely around his neck; in the back of his mind he wonders where she learned to do that and if his brain wasn't being smothered by everything else, he might ask her. He wants to be able to have stupidly, pointless conversations with her and ask her these trivial questions that seem like nothing instead of worrying what's going to happen to them.

"You ready?" she asks him.

  _No._ "Yes."

* * *

Caesar starts their interview with a series of questions mostly about how he's adjusting back to normal life. Then he starts asking about the games, and Peeta's alliance with Wren and they talk about his three kills - Kala, Kaid and Scarlet - in far more detail than he wants but he forces himself to answer them anyway. He's careful not to be too distant or sullen but he supposes since he's won the games, he can act how he wants.

And then Caesar says, with an odd look in his eyes, "Now as we all know, victors have been found to be a rather amorous bunch." The audience whoops and cheers, and they all have no idea that none of it is by choice. "Is there a special love in your life Peeta?”

A little smile tugs at Peeta’s lips. "There might be."

"Hmm, well I have a feeling we might know this girl, don't we?" he says to the audience, slapping his knee. A bewildered Peeta smiles at him, unsure of where exactly Caesar is going with this until he swivels on his chair.

On the screens behind them, blown up, slightly blurry pictures of himself and Katniss last night appear on the screen. First there is one of them talking to each other. The next one is of him holding her, smiling into her hair. The last one is of them kissing.

"Well, ladies and gentleman, unless I'm mistaken, it seems like one of Panem's most famous bachelorettes, seen often on the arm of The Capitol's most eligible, has been tamed!" crows Caesar.

Peeta just sits there, his smile still plastered on his face but his stomach quickly filling with dread. He should use his words, he's good with them, but he just swallows and smiles and Caesar says goodnight to everyone. Someone in the background yells, "Cut!" and it's too late and everyone has seen those photos and everyone knows he and Katniss are together.

Even before he reaches backstage, he can hear Haymitch yelling.

Peeta pushes aside the curtains and Haymitch is pacing and spewing profanities and Katniss is sitting in the corner, staring at her knees. "Haymitch -"

"You shut up," says Haymitch, barely sparing him a glance, glaring at Katniss. "You should know better. Do whatever you want with the kid Katniss but for God sakes, don't do it in public! I thought you had more common sense than that."

"Stop yelling at her," commands Peeta.

Haymitch quickly heads towards Peeta, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and shoving him up against the wall. The old drunk is stronger than he looks. "You have no idea how much trouble we're in boy. What you do doesn't just affect you anymore. It affects _all of us_." He gives Peeta another push before his hands loosen. "Dumb kids," he mutters as he walks off.

"He's right,” Katniss croaks. “I shouldn't have been so careless."

"Maybe it'll be okay," he says. "If everyone thinks we're together, he can't sell you anymore, right?" Katniss is quiet and doubt unconsciously starts to creep into Peeta's mind. "Or is it some other reason? Do you not wanna be with me?"

She blinks in surprise at him. "Peeta, you know it's not that."

And he probably does. But then he's reminded of Finnick and Johanna and the magazines and Katniss disappearing every night before the games and God, all of it together is much worse than Kaid running him through with his sword.

He doesn't want to yell at her, doesn’t want to get so angry he can’t stop and just make her feel worse than she already does.

“Let’s just go,” he says wearily and the two don't say another word the entire way home, even when they slide under the covers together. She still seeks him and he still reaches for her but both are too tense to fully relax into each other. Peeta wakes several times in a sweat, and Katniss whispers sweet things into his ears to get him to sleep each time.

They awake to the sound of someone knocking on their door. Katniss gets up to answer it and Peeta blinks sleep out of his eyes. Johanna's gaze flickers briefly to Peeta before back at Katniss. “There are peacekeepers at our door, wanting to accompany you to Snow. Both of you."

Katniss turns back around to Peeta and the furious pounding of his heart matches the fear in her eyes.

The peacekeepers drive them to Snow's office, and Katniss's hand remains tucked inside Peeta's the entire time, right until they enter. Snow stands from his seat, holding his hand out to Peeta, who shakes it rather unsteadily.  

"Mr Mellark. I've been looking forward to meeting you ever since you came out of the arena. Unfortunately, our first meeting has to be rather unpleasant."

"We had nothing to do with it," says Katniss quickly, "we didn't know there were cameras around."

"Ah, but I warned you Katniss," says Snow, flicking his fingers against the edge of his desk, leaning back in his chair. "You knew there would be consequences." He sighs dramatically. "You two have put me in a rather difficult position. You've caused a lot of problems. But I think I've found adequate compensation for all the headaches you've given me."

Snow slides a large yellow envelope across his desk towards Peeta. Peeta stares at it a second before flicking it open with slightly trembling fingers. Inside, there are two large photographs.

The first one is of his mother, lying on her bed, a scarlet smile carved into her neck.

The second one is of his father, slumping over the bakery counter, a bread knife poking out of his back.

Snow takes the photographs back. Katniss feels like she's been punched and Peeta is motionless in his chair.

"You may go," he says with utter finality. But then his eyes jovially lighten. "It was nice meeting you Peeta."

 ***

Peeta shakes the entire way home and she has to force him to keep moving. Once she gets the door to her and Jo's apartment open, he stumbles in and vomits right on the carpet. Katniss grabs him, dragging him to the bathroom, ignoring the terrible smell. His clothes are now stained as well, and she strips him of his shirt and pants, coercing him into the shower in his underwear. She turns it on, and he sinks down the tiles until he's just sitting there, gazing into space, his wet hair drooping into his eyes.

She leaves him for a moment, retrieving some fresh clothes and underwear from one of the drawers he occupies in her room and when she comes back, he hasn't moved. He looks clean enough though so she pulls him up - he's a lot heavier than he looks - and pats him dry with a towel. She hands him his clothes and he takes them, staring at them like they're a foreign object.

When she comes back the second time, after cleaning up his vomit and having had Johanna shake her down for information, he's sitting in the empty bathtub fully dressed, his hair still damp, sobbing uncontrollably.

Katniss climbs in behind him and he sits between her legs, his head on her chest. They stay there for hours and she rocks him until he stops crying, until sleep takes them both from this nightmare.

***

Someone prods her awake. Katniss blinks, trying to sit up and  forgetting for a moment that she's in a bathtub and a sleeping Peeta has her arms tightened around him.

"Help me get him to bed," she whispers to Johanna who is standing above them, her eyes unreadable as she stares at them.

Together, the two of them lift him up from the tub. They sling his arms around them to help share his weight, and his tired eyes open briefly at the disruption to look at Katniss. "It's okay," she tells him. "Just taking you to bed."

He doesn't protest, letting the two of them take him to Katniss's bed. Katniss slides his shoes off and pushes his legs under the covers, tucking him tightly in and smoothing back his messy blonde locks, like Johanna has done for her in the past. He looks up at with red, bleary eyes and he looks so young, so helpless, almost like the twelve year old boy who watched her in the rain as she starved to death.

"Get some sleep," she says softly, waiting for his eyes to close until she shuts the door quietly behind her.

"How's he doing?" asks Johanna, her mug of coffee poised at her lips.

Katniss just shakes her head. There doesn't seem to be words to explain Peeta's state now.

"How are you doing?" Johanna tries instead.

Katniss sags against the kitchen counter. "His parents are dead because I wasn't smart enough not to kiss him in the street. Winning the games wasn't the worst thing that could have ever happened to him. It was falling in love with me."

She can't let them destroy him like this. She can't let them break him like they broke her.

She realises there's only one option.

"Where are you going?" says Johanna as Katniss grabs her coat from where it hangs.

"To fix this,"  she replies.

* * *

As usual, Katniss is not made to wait when she arrives at Snow's offices.

"Two visits in two days," he says when she sits down. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Katniss stares at a spot on the carpet. "I came here, thinking I was going to beg for you to leave Peeta out of this," she says quietly. "And then I left my apartment. There were a lot of photographers waiting outside. Turns out they got pictures of us leaving your office last night. They seem to always have a way of getting their picture." She gives a little, humourless laugh. "You know, those photographers are also pretty chatty. They told me that the public loves me and Peeta together. They're starting to think of us as star-crossed lovers, the mentor and the tribute who fell in love and survived both of their games despite the odds. And I realised, that you can't break us up or have us seen with other people anymore. They'd turn on you if they found out you were responsible for tearing apart those two poor kids who have been through so much," she says, falling into an imitation of a Capitol accent that ends us sounding a little like Effie Trinket.

Snow stares grimly at her. "What is it that you want Miss Everdeen?"

"The complete safety of Peeta and his brothers. He's off limits to everyone. As am I." There's nothing more that she wants than to add Finnick and Johanna's names to her demands but she knows she's already pushing the boundaries by asking for both her and Peeta's freedom. But that still doesn't stop the guilt that streams through her.

He smiles, his teeth glinting from underneath his snake-like lips. "And what are you willing to give me in return?"

"Everything else. We'll promote products and clubs, even the games. We can do commercials and interviews and television appearances. We'll be your advocates, we'll speak in favour of you," she says, and it's this idea that hurts the most, speaking for Snow, but even then, it's still better than what she does now.

Snow cups his chin, considering. "I could just have Prim killed," he says casually. "Your mother too, the Hawthorne family or Peeta's brothers -"

"And I could just kill myself. I won't have the capacity to care about anything or anyone else if I'm dead." She's bluffing but she just hopes Snow doesn't want to lose her so badly that he'll believe her.

His eyes narrow, as if searching for the chink in her armour. "You wouldn't do it."

"You have no idea what I will or won't do," she says coldly. "I'm not the same girl that walked into this office after my games. You made sure of that." Her hands tighten around the arms of her seat. "They won't forgive you for driving one of their victors to kill herself. They'll revolt. You can say it was an accident but they'll all know the truth. I'll make sure they do." In her mind, she quickly cycles through all of the ways she could do it if it really came down to it.

Jump off the roof of his office.

Slit her wrists in The Capitol square.

Overdose at Peeta's Victor's banquet.

Anywhere public. Make them pay.

Snow is silent. And then, "Give me one last week. It seems so many have become rather enamoured with you during your time here in The Capitol. Since those photos of you and Peeta emerged, everyone's practically been begging for one last chance to have you."

Katniss swallows. "Seven days. Only one client per day. Then that's it."

Snow licks his upper lip. "Alright then. The arrangements will be sent to you as per usual."

He leans across the desk, grabbing at her hand as she stands to pull her a little closer into him. "You think you've won Miss Everdeen but I promise you that you won't ever forget that you belong to me. I'll make sure of it."

Katniss holds his gaze right up until he releases her. "I'm very much looking forward to the next phase of our business relationship," he calls loudly out to her right before she closes the door.

 ***

Johanna informs her that she gave Peeta something to help him sleep when Katniss gets back. He's half out of it when she curls up next to him.

"Katniss?" he says, dazedly staring at her. "Where you been?"

"Fixing things. One more week and we're both gonna be free Peeta." Except not really. She's just sold his soul to Snow, instead of his body.

Peeta nestles his head against her shoulder. "I should have listened to you," he slurs. "I should have just...." His eyes close and he's asleep almost instantly but Katniss finishes his sentence in her mind. 

_I should have just died in the arena._

She doesn't know what's worse - the fact that he'd rather be dead than with her or the fact that she's far too selfish to let him go.

* * *

Johanna shrugs on her jacket as she pushes the swinging door open. The frigid air immediately starts biting at her and her teeth involuntarily chatter. She pauses on the front steps of the hotel, retrieving the pack of cigarettes from her packet. It's cold, but she can last a few seconds longer out here before she heads her home. She just needs to get the acrid taste out of her mouth.

As she lights one up, a woman in her late twenties with dark hair and caramel toned skin appears next to her, plucking the packet of cigarettes from Johanna's hand.

"Did someone say you could come stand next to me?" Johanna says sharply, exhaling a thick cloud of smoke

"Come on now Johanna," says Enobaria, smiling and exposing her array of sharp, gold edged teeth. "Being vicious is my thing."

"I'm sure there's enough to go around," Johanna mutters.

"Word on the street is your little protégé scored an early release. Lucky her," says Enobaria mockingly. "But I wonder, did she even try and negotiate for you or Finnick? Aren't you guys best friends or something?"

"Shut up," says Johanna, taking another drag of her cigarette and trying to ignore the resentment bubbling in her chest. She doesn't resent Katniss, not really. After all, she likes to think she can read her roommate pretty well and she knows that if Katniss could, she'd save both her and Finnick in a heartbeat. She has to put herself first - and rightly she should - and she has no choice with Peeta. She's responsible for him now just like Haymitch has been responsible for her all these years. _She_ got him out of the arena, _she_ got his parents killed because she wasn’t careful.

Oh yeah, and there's that whole thing of them being all in love and shit, even if Johanna's pretty sure Katniss has never told Peeta that.

"Touched a nerve, did I?" says Enobaria, smirking. "It has to make you a little mad though, right? Her getting out before you when you've been doing this longer."

"You have no idea what's she been through," Johanna gets out through her gritted teeth. "The things they've done to her would make even a psycho like you beg to die."

Enobaria laughs, like the whole thing is a joke she finds deliriously funny. "My customers are the only ones who beg." And then she saunters away, Johanna's cigarettes still in her hand, swinging her hips and laughing so maddeningly loud that the sound makes all of the blood in Johanna's body rush to her head.

She stamps her cigarette out on the floor in disgust. Two years ago, she would have grabbed Enobaria by the hair and slammed her down into the concrete until she was pleading for mercy. Now she just heads off in the other direction, desperate for a shower and her bed.

Damn it. Caring for people has made her soft.

* * *

Katniss finally tells Peeta about her meeting with Snow. She's sorry that she's spoken for him, that she isn't really giving him a choice but the alternative is so much worse. She just hopes he understands that.

Peeta takes it all in complete silence. He's tired and drained, and he hasn't stopped crying in what feels like months but has only been a little over a day. He understands how she thinks this might be better, and he's glad for her to be free after the week is over, but it's all the same isn't it? He's just going to sell them in different ways.

"Say something Peeta," she begs him.

"Just one more week right?" he says, and she just bites her lip and nods. "He's not going to hurt my brothers?" Katniss shakes her head. Then he shrugs, his eyes sad and lifeless. "I guess we don't have a choice then."

She squeezes one of his hands and it's remarkable how unresponsive he is. How he barely feels anything under her touch.

Over the following days, he tries to ignore both her absence and the crushing weight of grief that sits in his chest. She's doing so much for him. She's protecting him.

_She's also the reason your parents are dead._

Peeta shakes his head when the thought takes over. She didn't do it. Snow did. It's Snow's fault. He loves her. She's doing everything she can to save him from her own wretched life.

Sometimes it's not until the early morning that the bedroom door opens and she comes in, seeking the solace of his touch. He wraps his arms around her and he tries to sleep then, he really does. But when she cries into his shirt, muffling her own sounds because she thinks he's asleep and she doesn't want to wake him, he just can't. The sound tears right through him and he just counts inside his head the seconds and minutes and hours until Katniss Everdeen finally has ownership of herself again.

***

The day of the banquet being held in his honour, Peeta doesn't see Katniss at all. She's gone in the morning when he wakes, a handwritten note laying on the pillow beside him.

_I'll see you tonight._

Johanna's bed is empty too and that leaves him all alone. He doesn't feel like being sad today, thinking about his father sneak him cupcakes or his mother's goodbye kiss when he left for the games. So he tries to busy himself with the television or reading some of the books they have on the shelves but the soon the pit of sadness inside him starts to grow and makes him want to retreat to the bed that smells like Katniss.

He only drags himself up when Portia knocks on the door. "Honey, you look terrible," she says.

"Thanks" he mutters, scratching at his head.

"Lucky for you," she says, whisking inside, "you have a fantastic prep team and we'll have you looking fabulous in no time. You excited about tonight, your first official appearance with Katniss as a couple?"

Peeta blinks. He hadn't even thought about that. He's been pre-occupied with Kaid and Kala and Wren and Scarlet. They like torturing him in his dreams, reminding him that they're luckier than he is. They're dead after all.

Portia rambles on, oblivious to how far away his thoughts are. "I found the perfect accessory for you to give her. I co-ordinated with Cinna so it'll match her dress." She claps her hands together. "Oh I'm so excited."

_That makes one of us._

* * *

Katniss meets Peeta at the door of Snow's mansion. He looks handsome in his dark, grey suit with a black shirt; she's sure it isn't a coincidence that their clothes are very similar, that he matches the metallic silver dress Cinna put her in.

He's been distant since they left Snow's office, not that she can blame him. He looks a little better now, less worn out, though that might just be the light make up they've put on him.

To her relief, he smiles when he sees her, but it's not quite the same as she remembers it.

"Katniss, you look....." He trails off, just leaning towards her instead until their foreheads are touching, the small motion saying everything he can't.

"I thought you were already inside," she says.

"I didn't want to go in without you." He cups one of her wrists in his large hands and when he removes them, a black jewelled bracelet sits on her skin. "Here."

She stares down at it, touched by the gesture. "Thank you, it's lovely."

"I can't take credit," he says. "I'm just the delivery boy."

"Still." Katniss gives him a light peck on his lips. He blinks his blue eyes back at her but he looks a little happier. God, she's missed him. She straightens his tie, running her hands down his chest. "Are you gonna be okay in there?"

Peeta takes her hand. "As long as I have you."

 ***

The banquet is just about in full swing as they descend the staircase. Katniss winces with each step and Peeta notices. "You okay?"

"Just a little sore," she says without thinking, and the muscles of his face harden. Her hand tightens in his. "Nothing about me okay? This is your night."

After they've made their entrance and greeted the throng of admirers who wait at the base of the stairs, Katniss drifts away from Peeta. They all seem much more interested in him anyway, and soon he's pulled into the crowd of people. Katniss grabs a glass of water and heads over to a quiet corner and is quite enjoying the peace of everyone ignoring her for a change until Johanna and Haymitch make their way over to her. Jo must have coerced him into escorting her here, because her arm is tucked inside his, though she releases it when they draw closer.

"Cinna actually made you look presentable," she jokes. She herself is wearing a floor length, dark gold dress that wraps around her torso before flowing out around her waist. She's wearing makeup that makes her look a hell of a lot softer, though the black rings around her brown eyes still make her look menacing enough.

"He did a good job and he gave me these shoes that are actually comfortable for a - can you stop staring at me?"

Haymitch makes no apologies for his incessant staring. "What are you drinking?"

"It's water," says Katniss curtly. "I can throw it on you if you'd like confirmation."

"Don't anger the beast," laughs Johanna. "Where's golden boy?"

"Talking to someone who bought me six weeks ago," Katniss says grimly, and suddenly she wishes she wasn't drinking water.

Johanna slaps her face gently. "Head up Everdeen. We're not doing this tonight. We're having fun, celebrating your freedom remember? Speaking of celebrating, I see someone I'd very much like to share our happiness with," she says, her eyes falling up and down the handsome man who is staring at her just as hungrily from across the room.

"Have you no shame?" mutters Haymitch.

"Luckily, I was born without it," she bites back.

Unlike Finnick and Katniss, Johanna willingly seeks out whatever catches her eye, brazenly seducing anyone as long as they let her be in control. It's usually the young, naive, in-awe-of-her types. She excuses it as the only way left that she can defy The Capitol - showing them that she is not broken enough to seek out her own pleasure instead of someone else's, that they cannot take her choices entirely away from her. Though Katniss can barely understand the reasoning sometimes, she remembers that Johanna has it just a little easier than her. She does not have the mental or physical scars that Katniss does.

Finnick appears at that moment, looking a rather odd mix of flushed and desperate. He's wearing a ridiculously tight pair of pants and a white shirt with the top button undone. "Anyone want to dance? Someone please say yes or I'll have to go back to Ms Reppertee, and I really don't want to do that."

"Sorry Finnick, there's someone here hotter than you," says Johanna, pushing him out of the way.

"Clearly she's joking," says Finnick as they watch Johanna saunter over to the man who was eyeing her. "I'm the hottest person in the room, right Haymitch?"

Haymitch just grunts in amusement, stalking off, probably to fill up his glass. Talk about double standards. He won't let Katniss have anything but he's got no problem getting wrecked. She knows though, that even if Haymitch becomes more bitter, and snarky and mean, they'd still rather all deal with him than an intoxicated her.

The thought depresses her - that Haymitch is a better drunk companion than her.

"Well he's obviously not dancing with me," says Finnick, and then he grabs Katniss's arm before she can protest and drags her out onto the floor.

"Man, I could use a drink," he says with a groan halfway through the song. Then his eyes fall guiltily down to Katniss. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she says. "I'm just the lightweight, unbearable drunk, right? I'm worse than Haymitch."

He shrugs. "If it makes you feel better, you have an unbelievable ability to bounce back from a hangover. I don't think I've ever seen you vomit either."

"Thanks Finnick," she says, and there's a good portion of her voice that doesn't contain sarcasm.

When the song ends, Finnick doesn't let her go and she figures he'll probably dance with her all night if he can, just to escape the clutches of all the women in the room keen to get their hands on him. But then Peeta comes wandering over, smiling when their eyes meet.

"Can I cut in?"

Finnick sighs, pretending to think about it. "I guess. But keep your hands where I can see them." He winks at Peeta, clapping him on the shoulder. "No funny business with my daughter."

Katniss rolls her eyes and Peeta clasps her closely to him, resting his hands just above her hips. "Daughter?" he questions.

"They're so protective him and Johanna might as well be my parents," she explains.

"What does that make Haymitch?"

"The bitter old uncle."

Peeta laughs, and the sound is wonderful.

In this moment, she's unbearably happy. Just one more day. Just one more client and they can have more moments like this.

Over Peeta's shoulder, she can see Snow staring at her. He raises his glass at her, as if toasting the two of them, and Katniss looks away, burying her face in her collarbone, shuddering.

Peeta's hands tighten around her. "Just one more day," he whispers and she nods.

When the song ends, she sees someone waving her over, trying to grab her attention. She knows she can't exactly she refuse, even if she wants to.

"You should get back to socialising," she tells Peeta. "I'll find you later."

He releases her rather reluctantly, gently kissing her forehead. Out of the corner of her eye, Katniss notices cameras flashing, presumably catching the tender moment and she resists the urge to turn around and snap at them. "I'll try not to miss you too much," he tells her, and he smiles at her like she's his whole world and she can't help but wonder how she deserves someone like him.

Katniss wanders over to the man whom has occupied Peeta's attention for most of the night. Beckett Hartington. She recognises him well. Admittedly, he's one of the nicest men who has ever bought her for the night, though even that doesn't mean he was gentle or even remotely cared about her.

"Katniss," he says warmly, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her into his side. It says so much for how she's literally become The Capitol's property that they all feel like they can just embrace her in public, like she's theirs. "I was just telling our dear leader how surprised I was with the lack of action by the gamemakers during our most recent games."

At his side, Snow laughs, taking a careful, calculated sip of his drink. "Well Beckett, sometimes it's best to let the tributes battle it out themselves. You'd be surprised at what some of them are capable of." A small smirk plays on his lips. "Sometimes it's the most unlikeliest person who wins, isn't it?"

Beckett chuckles, his hand squeezing Katniss's hip. She's seconds away from snapping it off. "I suppose. I must admit though, even with his high training score, I never considered Mr Mellark winning. He never screamed 'killer instinct' to me."

Snow's eyes shift away from Beckett, his ice cold irises fixing on Katniss's face. He is smiling serenely at her, with his thin snake-like lips upturned, when he says, "I guess _fate_ just wanted Peeta to survive."

Katniss suddenly loses all the oxygen in her lungs.

"Excuse me," she says hurriedly, moving abruptly out of Beckett's grasp.

Peeta winning was no accident. She doesn't know how Snow did it but she knows he did. No wonder the gamemakers didn't interfere much, didn't try and push Peeta towards other tributes or lead others to him. Maybe he had an ear in the other mentors from the very start, telling them not to send supplies, to make sure Peeta's opponents were weaker than him when he encountered them. He might even have known she'd go to Thorne when Peeta got injured, just to make sure for certain that he wouldn't turn her away and make sure Peeta got the medicine he needed to survive. He probably sent the feral monkeys deliberately after Tyler and Scarlet first when it was just the three of him. He probably wanted to quickly eliminate the two before Peeta got caught up in the finale.

He did everything he could to get Peeta out of there. Just so he could have more hold over her. He didn't plan on it backfiring on him like it did but he's got more cards in his hands than Katniss realises. Suddenly she has a whole lot less faith in the deal she made with him.

Despite what she told him earlier, she can't bring herself to go find Peeta. Instead she retreats to a corner, leaning against a standalone table and trying not to pass out.  

"Miss Everdeen?" She looks up. "I have something for you."

The waiter standing in front of her holds a little red envelope out towards her and Katniss stares at it a moment before taking it from him and ripping open the seal. Once she's read it, she snatches two flutes of champagne off the tray in his other hand. She empties one quickly, the sickly sweet liquid going down easily, and puts it back on the waiter's tray before he disappears.

Seconds later, her former mentor appears at her side, glaring at her glass. "Do I have to follow you around you petulant child?" Katniss just shoves the note at him in response, clutching her remaining drink hard as his eyes skim over the little piece of paper.

"Shit," says Haymitch.

Katniss drains her second flute of champagne in one.

* * *

She and Haymitch excuse themselves early from the party, and though Peeta looks a little surprised when she tells him she's leaving, he kisses her cheek goodnight all the same. She doesn't want to keep him out of this but it's best not to worry him. They head back to Katniss and Johanna's apartment, because as Haymitch says, "It's the least bugged place in the whole damn Capitol."

When she tells him her suspicions about Snow helping Peeta win, Haymitch runs a hand exasperatedly through his hair. "Wouldn't surprise me. Wouldn't surprise me if he suddenly changes his mind after tomorrow and wants more time from you. Nothing surprises me anymore Katniss. I learnt long ago not to be shocked by the despicable things Snow and his cronies do."

Johanna kicks the door open with her foot a couple of minutes later, her mouth twisted into a scowl, her dark gold dress hitched up around her knees. "This better be good. The guy at the ball was really good with his hands."

Finnick arrives not long after, the top three buttons of his white shirt now undone, revealing the lines of his muscular chest and stomach. He shakes glitter out of his bronze hair as he walks in. "Sorry, don't ask." 

"So who called this clandestine meeting?" says Johanna, hopping up onto the back of the couch, and kicking off her outrageously high heels.

Katniss opens her mouth but she's interrupted by the door opening a third time. Peeta walks in, his suit jacket draped over his arm, his eyes widening when he sees all of them congregated in the living room.

"What are you all doing here?" he asks. "What's going on?"

Johanna scoffs, swivelling her head around and raising her eyebrows at Katniss. "You didn't tell him to come?"

Katniss distinctly avoids looking at Peeta but she can hear him close the door, move hesitantly towards her; she can feel his gaze burning holes in her head. "Katniss?"

She swallows, addressing the room instead of just him. "I got my last assignment."

Finnick regards her curiously. "Who is it?"

"Thorne."

"No," says Johanna automatically. "No chance in hell."

"Who's Thorne?" asks Peeta, confused at everyone's reaction - Johanna's firm refusal, Haymitch staring into his glass, Finnick looking like all the wind has been taken out of him.

"No one," mutters Katniss.

Unfortunately, Johanna has no such problems answering for her. "Just the man who clawed and hit her with a wooden rod until she bled. But you know, he made three, long welts exact in size and shape so at least we know he's a perfectionist," she adds scathingly.

"Jo," says Finnick in a warning undertone.

Peeta feels like Kaid has cut into him all over again, the pain of hearing Johanna's words sharp and sudden. That must have been what she was referring to when she had told him he had no idea what Katniss had done for him to get him out. He had never realised they physically, brutally abused her like that, like she was a disposable plaything. He would have rather died than let her be hurt like that.

Katniss glares at Johanna and Johanna just shrugs, like she simply doesn't care if Katniss hates her for saying it or not. "He's in this as much as you Katniss, you made him a part of this before he even went into the arena. You can't decide to shut him out now."

Peeta's eyes flicker to Katniss at the same time she worriedly gazes at him, trying to gauge his reaction. "You're not going," he says firmly.

"Peeta -"

“No.”

“I have to," she says in a pained voice. "I'm not just doing this for you or for us, I'm doing it for me."

"What if you're wrong?" says Johanna. "What if Snow turns around and says he doesn't want to let you go?"

"I'm not stupid," snaps Katniss. "I know it could happen but what if he does let me go? Don't I need to take that chance?"

Finnick rocks unsteadily on the balls of his feet. “Katniss, Peeta is right. You can’t, he could...." He's unable to finish his sentence but his unspoken words are clear enough for them to hear.

Katniss looks to Haymitch, who has been surprisingly quiet during this whole discussion, preferring instead to watch the rest of them squabble like the children they are. “Haymitch?”

Haymitch practically bursts out laughing and Katniss startles. “Out of all of the people in this room, you think I'm your best chance for an ally, especially after last time?" he says with a snort. "Have you been taking pills from people other than Finnick?”

“Your family is dead Haymitch, have you forgotten that?” she says coldly. “I have Prim to protect. And my mother and Gale’s family. Would you rather I end up like you?”

The whole room falls silent. Angry red splotches break out on Katniss's cheeks and Haymitch looks at her with eyes that are too wide, too sober. Peeta, Johanna and Finnick all stare at the two of them - mentor and tribute - and Peeta realises that however close she is with them, her and Haymitch have an entirely different relationship all together. They understand each other in a way none of them will ever get.

“Fuck this,” says Haymitch, throwing his glass into the sink. It shatters loudly but no one pays attention. “Someone else talk sense into that thick skull of hers.” He slams the door on his way out and the noise seems to wake Katniss up from the mild stupor the silence had lulled her into.

“Katniss –“

“Don’t start with me," says Katniss, spinning around to glare at her friend. “You’re protecting people too and you’re telling me if Snow sent you a personal request that you’d turn it down, even if it was Thorne.” Johanna clamps her mouth shut, looking like she both sympathises and wants to kill her at the same time.

She turns around to Finnick but it seems she’s run out of anger, the red of her face fading, her breathing faltering. “You gonna turn on me too Katniss?” he says quietly. “Remind me about Annie? We’re all aware who we’re protecting.”

Katniss opens her mouth but closes it just as quickly, all of her fight drained out of her. She quietly heads to her bedroom down the hall, closing the door without another word at any of them.

Johanna sighs, picking her shoes up from the floor. “You better to be ready to deal with this all now Peeta. No backing out now.”

Finnick shoots him a sympathetic look. Peeta wishes everybody would stop reminding him of that.

* * *

Katniss feels the bed depress followed only seconds later by Peeta who buries his face in her hair. "Katniss, I had no idea that they, that people... _hurt_ you. I - you should never have done anything for me that put you in harm's way. I would never have forgiven myself."

She squares her jaw. "Nothing I can't handle."

"Katniss," he says, and his voice very nearly breaks her. "I can't lose you. I've lost enough and I can't..." He's nearly choking on his own sobs and she turns around to find his lips and kiss him reassuringly. "Please, don't, just don't," he says against her mouth.

"Peeta," she whispers. "You're not going to lose me, okay? Always coming back to you. Never leaving."

He squeezes his eyes shut and she clutches him tightly, and they both want badly to believe that her words are not a lie.

* * *

When Haymitch stirs from sleep, rolling over with a groan, his head connects with someone's hand. He looks up. Katniss is sitting beside him, her hand pushing his head away before he rolls on top of her. Okay, he's either drunker than he thought he was and she was here last night when he fell asleep or she broke in this morning. He thinks it's the latter. "I'm not in the mood to deal with your shit right now sweetheart," he mumbles.

"I just wanted to apologise," she says, and he can actually hear the sincerity in her voice. Actually a little unnerving. He's used to her being sour and generally unpleasant. Maybe Peeta's niceties are wearing off on her. "I know you're only looking out for me."

"Everything was so much easier when I was alone," he says, looking away. "Didn't have to worry bout nobody. Just me. Now I gotta care about you guys. Everything's too hard."

Katniss is silent for a moment and Haymitch almost wishes she's gone home or something. No such luck though. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "Just tell me what to do."

"You go to Thorne," he says, and the name is bitter on his tongue. He's literally handing her to a maniac; he must be the worst mentor ever. "As much as I don't like it, I don't think you have a choice. Snow did this on purpose, I doubt there's any way we could talk him out of it. I'll distract the boy while you're gone, make sure he doesn't try and do something stupidly heroic."

"Thank you," she whispers.

"You're welcome," he sighs, throwing his arms over his eyes to self-inflict darkness and erase her presence. "Now leave me alone."

* * *

The tall, white blonde haired man smiles widely at her on his doorstep, his eyes roaming over her, lingering on the slit in her dress that exposes far too much of her legs. "Katniss. I was so happy when you agreed to see me this one last time before you take up with -" Eli stops short. "What was his name? Peeta?"

Katniss nods, forcing herself into a smile as takes a seat on his couch. She has the most vivid sense of déjà vu and has to force herself out of the past. "I couldn't deny you one last request Eli," she says. And rightly, she couldn't.

He sets about pouring himself a glass of wine. She eyes it enviously. Perhaps if she was drunk out of her mind, everything would go faster. "You know I was so disappointed when I heard about you and that Mellark boy. I've been trying to get Snow to let me marry you for the last year."

Katniss flinches. Marry him? The man who struck her until she bled?

"I really care about you Katniss," he says. "Love you even."

Katniss can't help but scoff. Eli blinks. "Is there something funny about that?" he asks lightly.

"You don't know what love is," she tells him and God, she's being so damn stupid right now, but she can't seem to keep it in. "Love isn't inflicting physical pain, torturing someone."

Eli actually looks genuinely hurt. "You think I torture you Katniss?" he says in amazement. "I really didn't think you misunderstood me that much. I simply want you to want me Katniss. Words don't mean anything, it's the way your body responds that intrigues me. Physical pain is a quick way to bring down barriers, break down walls until there is only the truest form of yourself left, the rawest part of you. You have so many walls Katniss. I have to make you suffer so I can see you, the real you. "

"But you haven't. You'll never have me. The real me. Peeta's the only one who'll ever get me."

Silence. Awful silence where Katniss's heart sinks into her stomach and Eli stares at the floor, wearing an almost amused expression on his face.

She notices the almost imperceptible change in Eli's behaviour at once. The corners of his mouth flatten and the hand closed around his wine glass tightens. Sweat begins to gather on her skin. She shouldn't have said anything. She should have just kept her damn mouth shut.

Eli slams his glass down, ignoring when a little of the wine spills over the edge. "Never mind," he says, looking up at her, smiling without really smiling. "I can _make you_ want me _._

* * *

Haymitch staggers into his apartment a little after eleven. He's been trying to keep Peeta preoccupied all day but honestly, the boy's so annoying he had to hand him off to Finnick. All of these children are. How did he end up taking care of them all? Why can't he just drink and wallow in peace?

Speaking of drinking, he's sure he still has one bottle of white liquor left, hiding at the bottom of his closet.

As he attempts to navigate his way to his room and not trip over his furniture, he hears a loud clunk, emanating from his room.

He grunts in annoyance. If he finds Johanna with some gullible idiot having sex on his bed again, he's going to have to reconsider who he hands out house keys to.

Haymitch opens his bedroom door.

Of all of the things he thought he might see, a bloody, half-dead Katniss Everdeen lying on the floor is not one of them.


	4. PART FOUR - The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it's taken so long. It's actually been finished for a couple of days, my internet was just being sucky. Anyway, here it is, the last part. Yay!

**PART FOUR**

 

Their faces all look different but together, they form the perfect picture of grief.

Peeta is sitting on a plastic little chair, tears gathered on his lashes, his cheeks red with anger and sadness. He's squeezed between Finnick, who for once in his entire life is dead silent, eyes staring blankly into the air, and Haymitch, who in another first isn't drinking, just rubbing his hands together like he needs to do something to distract himself from how much he wants a drink.

Peeta is just sitting there and he's thinking that this isn't what their lives should be. They shouldn't be haunted by shadows and ghosts who don't exist. They shouldn't have to medicate themselves just to get through the day.

Katniss shouldn't be _here._

The door opens and all three of their heads lift up.

It's Johanna. She looks like she's run there from wherever she was, short hair wilder than usual, her face flushed, her lips still pink with lipstick. There is a man’s coat jacket resting on her shoulders over her black mini dress.

"Got here as fast as I could," she says, gazing between the three of them. “Is she…”

“She’s alive,” says Haymitch wearily. “But it’s not good. She’s not in great shape.”

Johanna’s breathing goes heavy, her fists clenching at her sides. "I'm gonna kill him. Snow and Thorne, I'm going to kill them," she rages, and Peeta actually believes she would too, judging by the look in her eyes.

"Keep your voice down Johanna, ears are listening -"

"I don't fucking care Haymitch!" she screams and Peeta flinches at the sound. "They can't get away with this, with doing this to all of us." She continues yelling, swearing and screaming, kicking chairs over until Finnick grabs her and puts a hand over her mouth. He drags her out of there and she fights him right up until the door closes on them.

A dark haired man in a long white coat comes out to meet them a couple of minutes later. "Haymitch," he greets, sounding rather flat. His eyes flit to Peeta. "You must be Peeta Mellark. I'm Dr Aurelius."

The two shake hands. "How is she?" asks Peeta.

"Her injuries were severe. A couple of cracked ribs. Bruising to forty per cent of her body. Lots of....deep skin abrasions," he says and Peeta clenches his jaw so tight it starts to hurt. "She lost a fair bit of blood, though not enough to require a transfusion. We're confident the scarring won't be too bad but right now, our main concern is just managing her pain."

"I wanna see her," Peeta says suddenly.

Aurelius and Haymitch share a quick look. "We had to give her a lot of morphling, Peeta. She's quite out of it -"

"I wanna see her," he repeats. He can't stand sitting here anymore, feeling useless. Not being able to see her makes him feel like she's gone, like she's really not there.

Aurelius finally nods, and Peeta turns to Haymitch, to ask him if he wants to come but he's already sitting down and Peeta realises that he can't or won't see Katniss right now.

When he enters her room, he's amazed at her much she looks like herself. Her dark hair is messy but her face pristine, untouched; almost like the bastard didn’t want to make any obvious marks, only ones that could be concealed by clothing. Around her wrists are red marks, like she’s been bound, but they disappear into the bruising that coats nearly all of her arms.

But what kills him the most is what he can’t see. Her torso looks thicker, just from the amount of gauze wrapped around her. He can only imagine what she looks like under the bandages and his eyes squeeze out long overdue tears.

His fingers lightly brush away the hair matted to her skin, revealing scratches on her throat that wrap around her neck. She stirs slightly, her tired grey gaze falling to him.

"Hey," he says weakly.

"I love you," is all she says back. And then her eyes close and the morphling drags her under again.

* * *

Katniss doesn't speak for a week after that. Three days later, she finally gets out of bed, her body ginger, her steps awkward like she's not sure of her own body anymore. She communicates with shakes and nods of her head. Peeta never leaves her, sleeping on a chair beside her. He tries to hold her hand sometimes, trying to reassure her but she shies away every time, like she can't bear for him to touch her. She doesn't let anyone touch her. She just sits there and stares into her space and her eyes are empty, like Thorne beat the light right out of her.

Johanna and Finnick come by once a day but they never stay longer than a couple of minutes. Haymitch doesn't blame them. They're rattled by what's happened to her, scared of what Snow could do to them next. They fall back into bad habits, the things they depended on before they learned to depend on each other - Finnick with his drugs and partying and Johanna with her voracious appetite for men, women, anything that moves really.

They do anything to distract themselves from what they really want.

To see their family and loved ones again.

To belong to themselves.

Haymitch stays on a chair in the corner, and it's uncomfortable as hell and it makes him want a drink so damn bad but he tries not to. He wakes in the middle of the night once, and sees Katniss wide awake, her knees tucked up to her chest. She has pulled her hair into a braid, the first sort of action she's committed in a while, and she stares down at Peeta's head asleep on the corner of her bed.

"He never leaves,” says Haymitch, and Katniss startles. She looks across the room at him in the darkness before her gaze reverts back to Peeta. Her hand hovers above his head, like she wants to run her fingers through his hair. But then she doesn't, and her body slinks back down beneath the covers and Haymitch goes back to pretending to sleep.

He keeps thinking about finding her in his room. Collapsed on the floor simply trying to just pull herself to her feet. Bleeding through the back of her dress, looking far too dead.

Haymitch convinces Peeta to leave her for an hour the next day so he can shower, have a proper meal but also give Katniss some space. He ducks out too, just so he can have a drink and not feel guilty about doing it in front of her.

When he comes back, Katniss is out of bed. It's strange for her to voluntarily be up. She's standing with her back to him, wearing a hospital gown that reaches her knees, entirely still, staring at the large vase of white roses sitting on the bedside table that wasn't there when Haymitch left.

"Katniss?"

"Where did these roses come from?" she asks quietly. They're the first words she speaks since her self-imposed silence and he thinks her voice should be rough and hoarse from misuse but instead it's unnervingly even and steady.

Haymitch frowns. "I don't know."

Then Katniss launches herself forward, grabbing the vase and throwing it against the wall as hard as she can. It shatters loudly, and the flowers explode out of the glass. She collapses to her knees, screaming, howling at the roses and Haymitch wants to help her but he's scared of touching her and riling her up further. So he simply stands back and watches her rage against these inanimate objects that don't have the capacity to be angry at her back.

The door opens then, and it's Peeta. He sees Katniss and springs into action immediately. He kneels down in front of her, uttering her name over and over again until she registers his presence, her mouth clamping shut, her screams dying suddenly in her throat. She stares at him, her eyes far too wide and big and she looks like that sixteen year old girl who climbed onto the train.

"Katniss?" he whispers. "I'm right here Katniss. Just look at me, breathe." He demonstrates for her, inhaling and exhaling with equal measure until she has fallen into the same rhythm, forcing breath into her lungs. "Look at me. Real, remember? You're here with me. They don't get you anymore Katniss. They don’t get you anymore."

Eventually she nods. Her tense muscles unwind and slowly she rises to her feet, calmly climbing back into bed as if nothing happened.

Peeta stays on his knees, staring at the floor for a little while, still breathing in the same pattern he forced Katniss into. Haymitch stares at him, unbelieving of what he's managed to do, somewhat jealous that Katniss might not need him to look after her anymore if she has Peeta and glad that she has him because she deserves someone who'll do anything for her, all at the same time.

The boy just might be a godsend, he thinks.

* * *

When Effie Trinket approaches him, he almost thinks, _good, she's going to say something stupid about mentor etiquette or his drinking._  Something vain and vapid and generally boring but it'll take his mind off of everything else and for once he'll be glad to see her.

Unfortunately he doesn't get his wish.

“I heard about Katniss,” she says, and she tries to make it sound like idle chit-chat, instead of the two of them discussing the little girl they made into a tribute, a victor, a Capitol girl. “How is she?”

“Not sure really.” He hasn’t been in to see her since the incident with the roses a couple of days ago. To be honest, he can’t quite face her anymore. Better just to leave the boy with her.

Effie narrows her eyes at him. “You are going to do something about this, aren’t you?”

He sighs. _Don't think about how much you want to drink_. “What would you like me to do about this sweetheart?”

“Something Haymitch," she says in her usual high and mighty voice, like she thinks she's above everyone else. "Anything.”

"Never thought I'd see the day where you'd be suggesting radical action Effie. Not very proper, is it?" he mocks.

"I didn't say anything about radical action Haymitch." A small smile takes over Effie's bright orange lips. "I was very careful with my words. Tell her I asked about her, okay?" She swoops at that moment and kisses his cheek and he's too off-guard to do anything but stand there and let her.

Once she's gone, he heads back into Katniss's room, where Peeta is smiling up at her as she eats breakfast. She's not smiling but she looks better. There's a little more colour in her cheeks, a little more freedom in her movements. She lifts her slice of toast at one stage and offers him a bite which he takes, before going back to taking her own mouse like bites.

Peeta looks up when Haymitch closes the door. He stares at his mentor with a bemused smile. "Is that orange lipstick on your face?"

Haymitch rubs his cheek, feeling suddenly hot. "No. How's it going?"

"Okay," says Katniss and Peeta looks so positively thrilled at this one word coming out of her. Jeez, he's such a lovesick fool.

"I'm going to go find Aurelius," says Peeta, still glowing. "He said she might be able to come home tomorrow." 

When he leaves, Haymitch fills his seat by Katniss's bed. "Effie stopped by," he says. "Wanted to know how you were." She doesn't respond, looking only mildly interested in the news and suddenly he can't take it anymore. "I'm sorry I let this happen to you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you back then what was going to happen to you if you won. I'm sorry I.....I guess I'm just I'm damn sorry."

Katniss's lips barely move when she asks, "Do you ever wish you'd let me die in the arena?"

Haymitch looks away. "All the time." 

* * *

Katniss is allowed to leave the next day. They've kept her there probably longer than they needed to - her status grants her only the best medical care - but they wanted to get rid of as much scarring as possible. She still won't let Peeta touch her, won't let anyone touch her except for the doctors when they changed her dressings. Even then, they had to give her a mild sedative to get her to stop fighting them.

Peeta accompanies her home, carrying her bags full of clothes. Just before they open the door, a flustered young man and woman open it on the other side, appearing red faced and hastily dressed. They both look rather embarrassed to see Peeta and Katniss there but they quickly brush past without a word.

Johanna appears in the open doorway a couple of seconds later, ruffling her short spiky hair. "You're home."

"Who were they?" asks Peeta, looking rather stupefied.

"None of your concern," she tells him. Then she looks at Katniss in mild surprise. "Welcome back roomie."

Katniss sits at the kitchen counter, trying to familiarise herself in this place. Everything seems different now. Or maybe it's just her that doesn't fit here.

Finnick stumbles in at that moment, looking extremely out of it. His eyes are bloodshot, his bronze hair sticking up at all angles. He is also lacking a shirt, highlighting his tanned and toned torso.

"Have you been out all night?" asks Johanna, smirking at the sight of him.

"No," says Finnick, scratching the back of his head. "Maybe."

"Where's your shirt?" asks Peeta.

Finnick blinks, looking slowly down, and he looks extremely surprised to realise that he's not wearing one. "I have no idea."

Johanna laughs and Peeta can't help his own chuckle but Katniss is still quiet at the counter. Then she says, "Peeta, can you give us a minute?"

He obliges, exiting to her room to unpack her things back into her wardrobe. Katniss swallows heavily before lifting her head and meeting both of their eyes.

"No more strangers in our apartment," she says firmly to Johanna. She turns to Finnick. "No more late nights."

"Is that an order boss?" he asks with a chuckle.

"Yes." And then she slides off the stool and walks completely silent back to her room.

Johanna watches her go, shaking her head. "We just got _told_ by an eighteen year old girl," she says. She reaches across the counter for her phone and frowns at the screen. "Why is there fourteen missed calls on my phone, all from Haymitch?"

Finnick pulls his own out of his pants pocket, grateful that he still has that at least. "I have twenty two so at least we know I'm more popular than you."

Johanna rolls her eyes. "Let's find out what he wants." She calls him, putting him on speakerphone and setting it down on the bench so they can both listen and talk into it.

He answers on the second ring. "Finally decided to call me, did you?"

"Well you're still alive so that means it couldn't have been that big of an emergency."

"Did you get your head stuck in the bannister again?" asks Finnick with a broad grin. "That was a fun time."

Haymitch ignores him. "Get your butts over to my house. Now. And don't tell the star-crossed lovers where you're going."

* * *

  
After Katniss has showered and washed herself clean of the hospital, she heads back across to her bedroom. In the midst of flipping through her drawers for some underwear, she catches sight of herself in the mirror. Wandering over to it, she drops her towel to the carpet, examining her naked body. They did a good job fixing her up, so much so it's impossible to tell anything even happened unless you look closely. She reaches a hand around, touching along the marks on her back, the ones made by the metal whip Thorne used; they proved hardest to get rid of. 

Someone knocks on her door and she quickly reaches for her towel, pulling it up to her chest. "Come in."

It's Peeta. "Katniss I just wanted to -" He stops short, seeing her like this. "Oh." His eyes skate down her body but he looks quickly back up, his ears reddening, like he's ashamed to even look at her this way after what Thorne did to her. It is clear though from the way he stares determinedly above the top of her towel how much effort it is taking him.

"I can come back."

She shrugs. "Whatever." She continues staring at herself in the mirror. Peeta slowly makes his way behind her. Together they stare at their reflections in the mirror. They make a lovely combination next to one another, fair and blonde and olive skinned and dark haired.

His fingers only lightly touch her shoulder but she flinches and he quickly draws his hand away. She used to want to touch him all the time - thread her fingers in his hair, feel his heartbeat, hold his hand, rest her legs against his - but now she can't stand it.

"Beautiful," he whispers.

Katniss doesn't see whatever he sees. All she sees is the shell of a small, broken eighteen year old girl and a handsome boy who still has some light left in his eyes.

"I'm tired," she says, her voice distant, like she's not even in her body anymore and truth be told, she doesn't want to be.

And then she curls under the quilt and she doesn't get up for three days.

* * *

The only way Peeta can get her out of bed is for meals. He tries to stimulate conversation between them but she’ll only give him a few words and he’ll eventually stop pushing her.

He keeps wondering about her telling him she loved him in the hospital. It's almost like it never happened. He doesn't know whether she was pumped full of so much morphling she doesn't remember or she does, and doesn't want to talk about it because it just slipped out. Because she didn't mean it.

He doesn't know which reasoning hurts more.

Peeta wakes in the middle of the night a week later, finding her body absent beside him. He starts to panic almost immediately. It's not like her to just disappear, especially when she's barely moved from her bed the last week since she got home from the hospital. He quickly kicks the covers off, shoving his feet into the pair of slippers sitting beside his bed and tripping almost comically over his feet in his haste.

He finds her sitting on the couch, staring into space. Next to her is a drained bottle of white liquor.

"Katniss?"

"Today is Gale's birthday. Finnick used to crash on this couch because he didn't want to be alone and I tried to drown myself in the bathtub. I've killed six people and had sex with roughly fifty people over the last two years; I stopped counting after a while. I have more scars now than I did after the games and every time I look at myself in the mirror, I want to break it. I heard Johanna crying for her parents once when she thought she was alone and I never told her. I watched you all the time at school and I never considered it was because I liked you. I cried after I met Finnick's fiancé Annie, because I could see how much he loved her and I felt so damn guilty for making him sleep with me. On my seventeenth birthday last year, Snow threw me a party and all I could think of was Prim and Gale and you, and I didn't want to think about you at all so I got some guy to give me something to take the pain away and ended up on my knees with him in one of the toilet cubicles, my top off, his pants down."

Her words feel like a punch to Peeta's gut but she keeps talking, her voice getting faster and faster like if she holds any of it in any longer, she'll explode. "Haymitch found me, pushed us apart and brought me home. He thinks I don't remember what happened but I do." She finally stops, taking in a short, pained breath that shifts into a sob as it comes back out. "Today is Gale's birthday."

She falls back into silence, like nothing ever happened, and the sudden quiet is too loud for the both of them.

Peeta just stands over her, wondering how they can be so close and so far away at the same time.

***

He can't leave her so he curls on the recliner near her, just watching her sit there, unmoving. He must eventually fall asleep though because when he next opens his eyes, it's morning, Katniss is gone and Johanna is standing above him.

"Rough night?" she says. Peeta slowly stretches out his sore limbs. He looks across at the couch, where Katniss sat last night and it's empty. "Don't worry, she's back in her bed." Her eyes widen when she sees the empty bottle. "Please tell me this is yours," she says.

He shakes his head. "I found Katniss with it."

Johanna sighs. "What did she say to you?"

"What?"

"Look, Katniss can't handle alcohol. She keeps a lot pent up inside and when she gets drunk, she likes to get it out, become brutally honest. She drinks because she thinks it'll make her feel better but it never does. So what did she tell you?"

 _Gale. Finnick. Johanna. Gale._ "A lot of things I'd rather not know."

"I told you Peeta. I told you it wasn't going to be easy. She's been through a lot, more than any other person should go through. But, I hope you know that you're the only person she's ever wanted. Out of everyone in the world, she's only ever chosen you."

Peeta rubs his eyes tiredly. "She's lucky to have people like you who care about her."

"Blame Haymitch," she says. "He's the one who made us all give a damn."

"How did you all...."

"...become such a merry band of friends and unofficial members of the Katniss Everdeen Protection Society?"

"Well yeah."

"Finnick won his games when he was fourteen. When he was sixteen, Snow wanted him to start fucking people." Peeta winces and Johanna stops short. "Sorry. I've been told I'm a bit abrasive" - Peeta thinks of their limited interactions and privately agrees - "so I'll tone it down a bit. Katniss is used to me now. I forget you've got innocent ears." Peeta doesn't think there's anything innocent about any of them, about anyone who's ever won the games but he doesn't say anything.

"When Finnick started 'entertaining people', he was just a kid. His mentor Mags was part of a different era, she couldn't relate to what he was going through. She went to Haymitch, begged him to help her little Finnick. So he did, even if he didn't want to. And then I came along, and my mentor was a dickhead who didn't really care about me either way. Finnick had to convince Haymitch to bring me in their little circle. When I met with them, a week after Snow had killed my parents and brother, Haymitch said, 'Oh good. Another lost puppy.' I nearly beat the old drunk to death. I would have if Finnick hadn't pulled me off him."

"A day after Katniss won her games, Haymitch showed up on my doorstep. I knew what was going to happen to her but I didn't care. I had my own problems to worry about. But when he offered to talk Snow into letting me go back to Seven for a couple of weeks, I agreed to let her move in and help her prepare for what was coming, although I wasn't exactly much help."

"We didn't talk much for the first couple of months, at least not until I pulled her out of the bathtub. Her lips were blue and she wasn't breathing. While I tried to bring her back, all I could think was, 'Please don't let there be another person I'm responsible for killing.'"

Peeta imagines Katniss lifeless on the bathroom floor and shudders.

"After that, I found out what was happening to her, what they were doing to her and I couldn't just keep ignoring her existence like I wanted to. Finnick was already on board, anything to help a lost soul, and Haymitch couldn't have backed out if he tried. He helped her win. He was screwed from the start."

“She won’t talk to me," says Peeta despairingly, hanging his head. "She won’t let me touch her, even just my fingertips on her skin. I don't know how to reach her."

"I can't help you there," says Johanna, clapping him on the shoulder. "You just gotta find a way."

_Find a way._

He heads to her room and finds her awake, fiddling with the tip of her braid, wrapping it around her fingers. "I'm surprised that you're still here," she says quietly.

"When are you going to get it through your head that I'm not going anywhere?" he asks angrily, sick of her distance. It’s getting to the point where he can barely contain himself anymore, where he can’t stop thinking of Katniss in the hospital and Kaid running him through with his sword and it’s just getting too hard to handle.

Katniss just stares at her knees.

“Aren’t you going to say anything at all?”

Apparently not. Tired of her pushing him away, Peeta does exactly what he said he wouldn't do.

He leaves her.

* * *

Once he's left the apartment building, Peeta doesn't know where to go. He doesn't know a lot of places in The Capitol so he ends up just sitting on the building steps, kicking at the pavement.

Everything's such a mess. His parents are dead, Katniss nearly was, and now she's so unreachable she might as well be. God, everything's just falling apart.

The door opens behind him and he turns, hoping it'll be Katniss and he can grovel and tell her how stupid he was for leaving.

But it's not. It's a well-dressed man with short blonde hair and green eyes. He has broad shoulders that slink into a well-defined torso, though he's no taller than Peeta. In fact, he could be Peeta's brother.

"Hey," says the man, blinking in surprise at Peeta on the steps. "Do I know you?"

"No," mutters Peeta, hoping the man will leave him alone. But he doesn't.

'Yeah I do. You're Peeta Mellark. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself at the ball. Gloss Pettyfer, winner of the 67th Hunger Games." Peeta stands to shake his hand and Gloss stamps out his cigarette before offering his own hand. He looks quite young but Peeta knows he must be in his mid-twenties at least.

"District One?"

Gloss nods. "Yeah. You killed my cousin Kaid."

Peeta feels his gut churn. "Oh. Sorry."

But Gloss doesn't look overly bothered by it, his face a mask of indifference. "That's the way the games work. People die. One person lives. The one person just happened to be you. I guess I should congratulate you not only on winning but on Katniss. She’s a good looking girl."

"You know her?" says Peeta, his voice brittle and he can't help but wonder if Gloss knows Katniss like a lot of people in The Capitol seem to know her.

"A little," he says, but he looks away and Peeta can't quite read his expression. "Where is the love of your life tonight?"

Peeta doesn't answer, staring at the cracks in the cement. He doesn't exactly feel like spilling his soul to Gloss. "Never mind," says Gloss eventually. He waves to two women who make their way towards him, smiling and giggling as they totter in their high heels. "I'm heading to a party, do you wanna come?"

"I should be getting back -"

"Come on Peeta, you look like you could use some cheering up." He wraps an arm around Peeta's shoulder, steering him towards the women and Peeta has a feeling he has no choice. "You’ll have fun. Trust me.”

 ***

The club is too loud. Everyone seems to try and press up against Peeta and Gloss, wanting a piece of them, anything they can get. They’re valuable commodities, celebrities and Peeta finds it rather strange that all of these people know him, that they congratulate him on winning like they’re all his close friends. He wants to be back with Katniss almost immediately, and he's wondering how long he'll have to stay here until he can politely leave without offending Gloss.

Peeta, Gloss and the women sit at a table at the back, away from the staring crowd. Within minutes of them sitting, a tray of multi-coloured drinks lands on their table, followed by a platter filled with thin white lines. Gloss lowers his head to the lines, inhaling strongly.

"What is that Gloss?" asks Peeta.

"Fun," he says with a smile, wiping away the remnants of white powder on his nose. "You should try it."

"I shouldn't -"

One of the girls squeezes his leg tightly. "Takes the pain away sweetie," she says. "Helps you forget your troubles."

_Take the pain away? Forget his troubles?_

He warily bends his head down to the table, inhaling the snowy substance like Gloss did before throwing his head back and gasping. Rubbing his thigh, the girl next to him nuzzles her nose against his cheek, murmuring, "Good, isn't it?"

He doesn't know if he'd describe it like that. It feels like he's just inhaled a literal shot of adrenaline. It's exhilarating and frightening at the same time.

Everything is a complete blur after that. He thinks he might be dancing at one stage and everyone around him starts to chant his name but he's not sure. Maybe he's just imagining all of this and maybe it's not really happening and God, he just wants to be fifteen again and back in Twelve before Katniss got reaped and everything changed.

Either way, he has no idea how he ends up in a toilet cubicle, with the girl who was sitting next to him at the table, kissing his neck and rubbing up against him.

Peeta blinks, his head lolling on his neck. "Whassgoingon?"

"Shh." She unbuttons the first two buttons of his shirt, licking his clavicle.

"No," mumbles Peeta. "With Katniss. Love Katniss."

The girl lifts her head, staring confusedly at him with glazed eyes. "Who?"

Peeta tries to open his mouth again, as if to tell her who Katniss is, how wonderful she is, how she means everything to him but he feels like someone has stuffed it with cotton balls. 

Then his head falls back against the bathroom door, darkness clawing at his eyelids.

* * *

When Peeta's eyes open, he's back in bed with Katniss fit tightly around him, her arms and legs tangled around him. Her chin rests lightly on his shoulder and she actually looks rather peaceful for once.

He carefully untangles himself from her, surprised when she doesn’t wake, simply settling back into sleep when her body finds the mattress. He heads into the kitchen and Haymitch is sitting at the table, reading a newspaper and sipping from a mug that smells strongly of alcohol.

"Morning Princess," he says.

"How did I get back here?" asks Peeta. The last he remembers is being in the toilet cubicle.

"Katniss flipped out when you didn't come back. Johanna called me and when I got here, she was crying so hard I thought she was gonna stop breathing. Someone said they had seen you with Gloss and we all know what Gloss is like. Except you apparently." He takes another gulp from the mug. "Finnick called some of his contacts until one of them finally said they'd seen you. When he and Johanna got there, you were passed out in the bathroom. Some charming women were trying to peel your clothes off. Johanna punched one of them in the nose." Haymitch guffaws. "You were out of it when they brought you back but Katniss wouldn't let go of you. I had to give her a sedative to get her to calm down and go to sleep. It might feel good to do all that stuff, to forget for a couple of hours but you can’t. I know I’m not the best model of control but trust me, it’s not worth it."

Peeta thinks back to the girl who was all over him. "Nothing happened, did it? I didn't - I didn't do anything, did I?"

Haymitch smirks slightly, but covers it by holding his mug to his lips. "I thought you might have trouble remembering so I took the liberty of organising a very thorough physical examination while you two were sleeping. Figured you wouldn't have any objections. He gave you something to help clean those drugs out of your system and knock you out and he was fairly certain your downstairs has been untouched in the last twenty four hours by anyone but yourself.” He waves a hand airily. “You’re welcome by the way.”

Peeta blushes furiously but inside he's glad. He doesn't think he would have ever forgiven himself if he had given any of himself to anyone but Katniss.

"Hey." They both turn to find Katniss standing sheepishly in the doorway, her dark hair hanging limply by her cheeks. Her grey eyes meet Peeta, barely acknowledging Haymitch's presence.

"I'll leave you two alone,” says Haymitch, dumping his mug in the sink and walking out with the paper folded under his arm. “Try not to break things or wake Johanna. She needs her beauty sleep."

They're silent for only a couple of seconds before...."I'm sorry," they both say at the exact same time. Katniss smiles and Peeta huffs a laugh and he moves a little closer.

"I don't know what I was thinking leaving you," he says. "I'm just a complete idiot Katniss."

Katniss shakes her head. "I can't - I can't be angry at you Peeta. All of this is a lot to handle. I forget sometimes that it’s not just me, that you lost your parents and…..I just forget I’m not alone in this.”

“I don’t expect you to be fine after Thorne,” he says softly. “I just want you to try.”

She reaches out and puts a hand on his chest and Peeta’s heart pounds in his chest because even though it’s nothing, it’s everything. “It’s gonna take time.” 

He puts one of his own hands on her waist, relishing the way she feels under his fingertips. "I know. I'm not gonna give up. I just want you to let me in because I can't do this without you."

She nods, hooking her arms around his neck, pulling him close. "You're mine Peeta Mellark," she whispers.

A tiny smile fills his lips. "I like the sound of that." 

* * *

Haymitch informs them the next day that Snow has requested they sit with Caesar Flickerman for an interview seeing as news of Katniss's hospitalisation has been leaked. The official story is that she was mugged; after all, it’d look bad if everyone found out one of the most prominent Capitol citizens abused her. Peeta has his objections of course and he angrily tries to say no until Katniss lays a hand over his and reminds him of the deal she made on his behalf.

The day of the interview, Katniss is prepped and ready before Peeta and she paces backstage as she waits for him.

"You look like you're about to crap your pants," comments Johanna as she approaches. “Or spew.” Her stylist has put her in a gorgeous black gown that reaches the floor and in true Johanna style, she has it hiked up, gathered in her arms, revealing long skinny legs and the edges of her lacy underwear.

"Your level of sophistication amazes me," Katniss says dryly.

"Seriously though, I'm standing in your vomit radius, so please warn me ahead of time." She mock punches Katniss's shoulder. "Come on, you'll be fine."

"Good thing Peeta's good at public speaking," says Katniss. "He's always been good at this sort of thing, I remember back in Twelve when -" She stops when she realises Johanna is no longer looking at her, appearing to have checked completely out of the conversation. "Jo?"

Johanna barely glances her way. "Hmm?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Sure. You were saying something about....." Then Johanna straightens, releasing her gown to the floor. "I have to go."

And then she's gone, running towards the exit. A minute later, a tall bronze blur passes Katniss just as quickly.

"Finn?"

"Busy," he calls back to her, racing after Johanna. The two of them disappear behind a curtained exit and she almost considers going after them when Peeta emerges, handsome in a navy blue suit and yellow shirt.

"What are they going?" asks Peeta, pulling her into his arms and kissing her cheek. Ever since they agreed not to close each other off, they’ve revelled in the simple touches again, like they did before he went into the games.

"No idea,” she answers. “I swear I never see either of them lately. They're always running off somewhere with Haymitch."

A stagehand appears at their side. “It’s time Miss Everdeen, Mr Mellark.”

They approach the side of the stage slowly, and the cheers start to build, until the floor is shaking. Katniss resists the urge to shake, trying to steady herself, trying not to think about Thorne and Snow.

"You ready?" Peeta murmurs to her.

She nods, taking his hand. With him by her side, she can do this. "Absolutely."

***

Caesar is as welcoming as ever, exchanging pleasantries with Peeta, who just like Katniss said, has an innate ability to be likable, whereas she answers quietly, warily, though she supposes in the circumstances, she can get away with it.

"It's good to see both of you again," says Caesar, "particularly you Katniss in light of the attack. How are you feeling?"

Peeta squeezes her hand. "Better. It's taken a while just to be around people but to his credit, Peeta never gave up on me. He’s been wonderful."

"And Peeta, it must have been difficult seeing Katniss like that, especially after being reunited after the games.”

"Of course. It's never good seeing someone you love hurt." Peeta looks over at her, quickly lifting their conjoined hands to his lips and kissing her skin. "I'm just glad she's here."

Caesar claps in delight. "Well, it seems everything's going well with you two. Can we talk about a possible marriage in the years to come, the first between two victors in our history?"

Peeta feels Katniss’s hand tighten in his. They’ve never talked about any of that. He has no idea how she feels about marriage or children or their future. After all, they've only really known each other for six or so weeks, even if it feels like their relationship started from the moment he threw her the bread. He knows he's not going to ever want anyone else and he's sure she won't either.

"Titles aren't necessary to us Caesar,” he says and he hears Katniss’s relief in the tiny breath she exhales. “We know we're committed."

She smiles at him. Good answer.

"So you don't have any fear of Katniss missing single life?"

"No. It's not going to happen again. Not while I'm around," he says strongly, and no one except himself, Katniss, Haymitch, Johanna, Finnick and Snow can discern the underlying message in his words. "All of that is in the past. I don't care about her past. As long as I'm her future."

"You are," she whispers, and she wants this whisper to just be for him instead of the whole crowd. She can hear everyone in the audience simultaneously swoon and resists the urge to roll her eyes at them.

Caesar practically squeals in excitement, and he goes off on a tangent then, talking about how great a couple they are until the interview is over.

"Was that alright?" he asks concernedly as they step off stage. "Everything I said?"

Instead of answering him, she simply uses the grip she has on his hand to pull him close to her. She swallows heavily, her heart fluttering nervously in her chest. "I love you."

Peeta stares at her blankly, like her words haven't registered with him. It takes him a minute before a smile bigger than she's ever seen breaks out on his face. "I thought you didn't remember saying it," he says, his eyes glassy.

"I did," she admits. "I was just scared to talk about it. But I'm in this as much as you are now. And I know there's a lot we don't know about each other but what I do know is pretty wonderful. If I was smarter, I would have seen the signs years ago. I even got jealous of some girl trying to get you back in Twelve when we were fifteen."

"You were jealous?" he says astounded.

"I didn't really realise that at the time," she says. "I thought I was just trying to be protective. But I sort of pulled her hair and threatened her. That's probably not normal behaviour, is it?"

"Whoa," he breathes, gaping at her in awe. "That is....really, really hot."

Katniss blushes and Peeta smiles, kissing the top of her head, his hands sliding along her waist, fitting over her hipbones. "Insanely hot," he whispers into her ear and she laughs, louder than she's laughed in a long time.

The sound of someone clapping loudly draws their attention away from each other to the man standing in the doorway. Snow.

"Seems you convinced everyone out there of your perfect little relationship," he says with a low chuckle. "I was wrong about you Peeta. You may have the boyish good looks and charm but underneath that skin of yours is a person much darker than you realise. A master manipulator. You can look at me however you want but we're a lot alike, you and me."

Katniss feels Peeta's fingers dig into her so hard it hurts but she says nothing, simply flattening her mouth and refusing to show her discomfort.

Snow turns away from them, a cool smile on his face. "There's a party this Friday night at Keegan Allander's house. I expect to see you both there." He stops in the doorway, throwing just a glance back at the two of them. "This is going to be fun."

***

The two of them are silent on the way home. When they are dropped off at the apartment, they discover Haymitch sitting on the couch, waiting for them. "I didn't see much of the interview," he says. "Thought I'd check in with you two."

Peeta does a run through of what happened, explaining the deal they have with Snow and their first task as a couple. After he's finished, Katniss asks, “Do you think he’s going to keep his promise?”

“Hard to tell," says Haymitch. "Depends on how long your popularity lasts. If the public gets sick of you too quick, he’ll look for other ways to exploit you. He could start marketing you as a reality television show, have cameras follow you around twenty four seven. And I mean twenty four seven,” he says emphatically. “Every single room in the house.” Katniss shudders slightly, and Peeta’s hand tightens in hers. Neither of them can imagine having their most private moments on display for The Capitol. “Or he could start selling you as a pair. Customers would pay through the roof for a night with two victors.” Peeta bites the inside of his mouth until blood floods his tongue. Haymitch tiredly rubs his face. “I honestly don’t know kids. Too many possibilities. Seems we've won for now though so I'd take this victory and run with it.” He sighs, standing. "Get some sleep. It's been a long day. Long couple of years really. "

"Sleep?" says Peeta when Haymitch leaves, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand.

"Sleep," she agrees.

***

The next morning, Katniss wakes without the warmth of another body curled up against her own. Instead, Peeta is standing at her window sill in his boxers and a tight white t-shirt that she's sure belongs to Finnick - it's far too tight, clinging to the rigid muscles of his back, not that she's complaining - staring out at The Capitol skyline.

"Are you okay?" she asks, sitting up slowly in bed.

He turns, softly smiling a good morning to her. "Yeah, just, thinking about what Snow said last night, about how we're alike."

Katniss is quick to rise out of bed, hugging his back. "You're nothing like him Peeta. Nothing," she insists vehemently.

He twists an arm around and cups the back of her neck. "Now, tell me what's on your mind," he says.

She sighs against him. "Peeta, you heard what Haymitch said - there aren't any guarantees. I've been through this. I've been Snow's pawn before, if it happens again, I'll...." She swallows heavily, her throat bobbing anxiously. "I'll deal with it, I'll survive. But you've never been in this position. I just want to make sure you aren't having second thoughts."

Peeta manoeuvres himself around, holding her against his chest. Everyone has been telling him to prepare, telling him he didn't know what he was in for, reminding him there was no way to back out.

But he knew all along she was worth it.

“Katniss," he says softly, "I've loved you since I was five. I will do anything to protect you. And I know you'll do the same for me. I know what Snow can do to me, I know and I still stood up on that stage and told all of Panem that I love you. I know and I did it anyway. What does that tell you?”

Her hands slide under his t-shirt, gripping the small of his back tightly. "That I'm extraordinarily lucky to have you."

Peeta smiles, smoothing back of the loose tendrils of hair hanging by her face. “We’re in this together.” He softly kisses the corner of her mouth. She shifts slightly, until his lips slide onto hers, her tongue slipping inside his mouth, probing, wrestling lightly with his. He cups her cheeks in between his hands, bringing her as closely to him as he can, and this feels like their first real kiss, the first one where neither of them are tentative or fearful of what tomorrow will bring. They finally break away after a few seconds, smiling sheepishly at each other, their skin flushed red. She wants him and she knows that he wants her, and even though neither of them are ready now, she has no doubt that they'll grow together. He already has the one thing no one else has ever been able to get their hands on - her heart.

Of course, it's not going to be as easy as it seems. They're still under Snow's thumb, they might always be but her body is hers again. They're well aware everything could go to hell again in three weeks, six months, a year. But right now, they have each other. And it's enough.

Sunlight breaks through the window, illuminating Peeta Mellark's face in a way that almost makes it look like he has a gilded halo sitting on his golden hair. Katniss thinks it's wonderfully appropriate.

“Together.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I lied haha. I have a little epilogue stashed away. I wanted it to officially end with a beautiful Peeta/Katniss moment so I didn't add it here but it'll be up in the next day or two.


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is just a little epilogue just in case you were wondering what Haymitch, Johanna and Finnick were getting up to in the last part :)Thankyou to everyone who left a comment or a kudos or simply just read this story. Had a lot of fun writing this story, hope you enjoyed reading it.

**EPILOGUE**   


 

It’s at least three in the morning when Katniss and Peeta stumble up the stairs, clutching each other. Neither of them are remotely drunk - though it did take all of Peeta's charm to deny drinks for the both of them - but they are exhausted. Keegan Allander's party, their first official couple duty for Snow, seemed to drag on forever. They spent the whole night rubbing elbows with The Capitol elite (and more than a few Katniss had had the 'pleasure' of meeting before) and talking up Snow. Every conversation was about him, and the games and how good a job he was doing leading Panem. 

Katniss feels seconds away from just collasping from exhaustion, her head against Peeta's shoulder. She disposed of her heels the second they stepped inside the building and they are now slung over her arm. Peeta wearily attempts to steer them towards her and Johanna's apartment, hoping they can somehow get to bed without making a sound; he's learned Johanna is not a pleasant person without at least seven hours of sleep.  


"I don't think I've ever wanted my bed more in my life," Katniss mumbles.  


"Me too," Peeta replies, fishing for the keys in his coat jacket. Without letting go of Katniss, he unlocks it, kicking it open with his foot.  


To say they're surprised to find Johanna, Finnick, Haymitch, Cinna and a familiar, yet unnameable wide, well dressed man squeezed onto the couch is a severe understatement.  


Johanna is in her pajamas, appearing thoroughly bored, a hand perched under her chin. Finnick wears a tight white tee and slacks, looking half-asleep. Cinna seems surprisingly calm and regal at such an ungodly hour, legs folded over one another. Haymitch is stretched out, his heels sitting on the edge of the coffee table. The strange man just smiles excitedly at them, like he's been waiting for this moment his whole life.  


“What’s going on?” asks Katniss, letting go of Peeta and straightening. Her gaze falls to the portly man. “Who is this?”

“Plutarch Heavensbee,” he says, rising to his feet, briskly shaking her hand and then Peeta’s. “We haven’t been formally introduced but you made me fall into a punch bowl once. Huge fan of yours.”

In the background, Johanna snorts.  

“You’re a gamemaker, right?” says Peeta.

“Yes, I have been for quite a few years now. During this time, I've had the chance to become very...familiar with Cinna and Haymitch."

"Familiar?" says Katniss.  


"Well, let's just say we've had some interesting discussions over the years," says Cinna. "Recently we decided to include Finnick and Johanna in on these discussions. Your relationship with Peeta, your hospitalisation, your deals with Snow have caused us to rethink a few things."  


Katniss's jaw drops. "How do you -"  


"There's a lot they know Katniss," says Finnick, appearing much more awake than he was a few minutes ago. "And they're willing to share it with you both, if you're open to it." He stops, grinning suddenly as he looks around at all of them. “This feels like the set-up of a joke." He clears his throat dramatically. "Two young, strikingly sexy victors, an eccentric designer, an old drunk and a gamemaker are sitting on a couch. Two other victors, a baker’s son and a sullen faced girl enter -"

“Shut your hole Finnick,” says Johanna, slapping his shoulder.

“I still don’t understand what’s going on,” says Peeta, and his eyes are fluttering sideways at Katniss like she’s locked him out of some secret meeting again but she looks just as confused as he is.

“Sit down kids,” says Haymitch, gesturing to the seats laid out opposite him. “We have a lot to talk about.”


End file.
